Take it to the tub and use that knife to break it down to more manageable pieces for discrete transport. I mean, I didn't do it, so I'm not leaving it to a jury to believe me.
In a feat of cosmic bad luck, after taking a shower while you have your towel on you, you slip and fall in the kitchen right down upon a waiting cucumber that happened to have fallen on the floor somehow.. now it's way up the ass, butt good, and ya can't get it out no matter what you try. What now?