Jokes

Longinus

No One Sings Me Lullabyes
Messages
164
Location
California
#1
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework."The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies. "Dad asks, "What movie did you watch? "Son says, "Toy Story. "The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was. "The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son. "The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
 

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won't eithe
Elite Bastards
Messages
3,204
#2
A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a frickin' mess and the dishes are still in the sink.

I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my frickin' pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the hell did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid ahole!?"

“Because . . . he’s thinking about getting married."
 

Longinus

No One Sings Me Lullabyes
Messages
164
Location
California
#3
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two
large
plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20
bill fell
out onto the sidewalk

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
"Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.
"I'd better go back
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me,
Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't
steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.
A lot of
golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right
into my
flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the
flowers, you
know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of
it?' So, now, I stand
behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him,
grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or
off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop,
laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 

chew the fat

[unofficial] Internet Doctor.
Messages
1,075
#4
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal.

She kept yelling 9...9...9.

That's the best I've ever done.
 

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won't eithe
Elite Bastards
Messages
3,204
#6
 

chew the fat

[unofficial] Internet Doctor.
Messages
1,075
#7
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"


She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."​

You do not have permission to view link Log in or register now.
 

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won't eithe
Elite Bastards
Messages
3,204
#8
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won't eithe
Elite Bastards
Messages
3,204
#9
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
 

THROB

Dedicated Deviant
Messages
230
#10
Like what kind of jokes
 

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won't eithe
Elite Bastards
Messages
3,204
#11

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won't eithe
Elite Bastards
Messages
3,204
#13
Bear don't drink any coffee after Oct 1st- - - - - -
 

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won't eithe
Elite Bastards
Messages
3,204
#15
Do you eat the corn after you pull it out?
 

chew the fat

[unofficial] Internet Doctor.
Messages
1,075
#16
I feared my wife had Tourette's Syndrome, so I took her to see a psychiatrist.

The good news...She hasn't got it.

The bad news?

I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
 

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won't eithe
Elite Bastards
Messages
3,204
#17
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”
 
Top Bottom