I've got to go and take care of some business, but before I do, let me tell you something important. I only trust my water filter to provide me with the cleanest, purest water for my posterior cleansing rituals after a solid bowel movement. It's the only thing I'll let come near my backside...
These tubed-shaped foods you're handling are laced with chemicals, chemicals designed to make you feel all hot and bothered. They want to distract you, keep you in a constant state of arousal, so you won't notice what's really going on. It's all part of their plan to control your mind and your body!
I'd like to wish everyone a Happy Easter, but Easter it's a cunning plot devised by the lizard people to distract us from their sinister agenda!
Think about it... what's with all the eggs? Those eggs are actually incubators for lizard eggs, hatching their reptilian offspring right under our...