Admin.
Nobody throws in the towel better than him!
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SUSIE WILES QUIETLY ASSUMES PRESIDENCY, AGREES TO LET TRUMP KEEP PHONE AND CEREMONIAL BALLROOM DUTIES
WASHINGTON — White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles has quietly assumed most of the functional duties of the presidency, according to administration officials who say the arrangement became necessary after President Donald Trump grew increasingly occupied with social media,
ballroom construction, the Reflecting Pool and identifying which member of his staff had most recently betrayed him.
Under the new system, Wiles will oversee foreign policy, military operations, congressional negotiations, personnel decisions and anything else involving deadlines, arithmetic or consequences.
Trump will retain control over Truth Social, gold fixtures, ceremonial pardons, monument aesthetics and the selection of insulting nicknames for foreign leaders who were considered close allies earlier that morning.
“This is not a transfer of power,” one senior official insisted. “The president remains fully in charge. Susie simply decides what happens, when it happens, who carries it out and whether he needs to know about it.”
No one has invoked the 25th Amendment. Instead, aides reportedly developed what they call the “Executive Enrichment Model,” in which Trump continues to receive all the visible benefits of being president while Wiles handles the less enjoyable parts, including governing.
Each morning, Trump receives a special intelligence briefing prepared by Wiles and limited to three pages. The first page contains favorable polling. The second contains photographs of proposed ballroom chandeliers. The third lists people who may be blamed if anything goes wrong.
Sensitive national security information is now placed in a separate folder marked “boring,” which officials say Trump has never opened.
Wiles has also taken control of the presidential phone during critical negotiations, though Trump is still allowed to use a specially configured device that can post compliments about himself, complaints about television coverage and vague threats against Jonathan Karl.
The phone reportedly displays a small spinning icon whenever Trump attempts to contact a foreign leader directly.
“He thinks it means the call is connecting,” said one aide. “It actually alerts Susie.”
Vice President J.D. Vance remains second in command, although officials acknowledge that he must now receive written permission from Wiles before speaking to the president, negotiating with another country or appearing on television without eyeliner approval.
Vance has publicly praised the arrangement.
“Every successful administration needs a clear chain of command,” he said. “In this case, the chain goes from Susie to me, from me to the Cabinet and then, where appropriate, back to President Trump in the form of a compliment.”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio has reportedly adapted well, sending all diplomatic cables directly to Wiles while continuing to address Trump as “Sir” during public meetings.
Defense officials have also embraced the system. Military plans are now presented to Wiles in full detail, then summarized for Trump using maps with large arrows, gold stars and the words “TOTAL VICTORY” printed across any location where the United States has not yet suffered a visible defeat.
The arrangement began informally after several Cabinet members discovered that decisions made while Trump was golfing were more coherent than decisions made after he returned.
Wiles initially handled only scheduling and damage control. Her authority expanded after she successfully prevented Trump from announcing three wars, withdrawing from two alliances and renaming the Atlantic Ocean during a single Fox News commercial break.
“She never said she was president,” said an administration source. “She just started doing presidential things, and everyone felt tremendous relief.”
Trump reportedly remains unaware of the scope of Wiles’ authority and believes she is primarily responsible for arranging crowds, locating Sharpies and making sure no one uses photographs that reveal the full size of his neck.
Asked whether Wiles was now the shadow president, Trump rejected the suggestion.
“Susie works for me,” he said. “She does a very good job. She brings me things to sign, and I sign them very strongly. Nobody signs like me.”
He then displayed a document he said was an executive order establishing “the most beautiful blue Reflecting Pool in history.”
Officials later confirmed it was a catering invoice.
The White House emphasized that Trump continues to make all final decisions, provided they are first approved by Wiles, reviewed by legal counsel and presented to him as something he had already suggested.
“She knows how to manage him,” said one Republican senator. “You don’t tell him no. You tell him his original idea was so brilliant that Susie has improved it by doing the opposite.”
The system has been particularly effective during foreign negotiations. While Wiles communicates privately with diplomats, Trump is given a ceremonial negotiating table, a stack of blank papers and several television cameras.
Afterward, he announces that the other country surrendered completely.
Wiles then spends the evening determining what was actually agreed to.
Administration officials say the shadow presidency could continue indefinitely, so long as Trump retains control over the aspects of government he considers most important: applause, architecture, television ratings and the power to fire people he does not remember hiring.
For now, Wiles reportedly has no interest in receiving the presidential title.
“She already has the authority,” said one aide. “The title would just mean she has to stand next to him more often.”
