Flynn
100+⚡Milestone
- Reaction score
- 3,650
BASTARD FACTORY FORUMS INTERNAL SECURITY DIVISION (ISD) DOSSIER:
SUBJECT “JACK”
Classification: TERMINALLY ONLINE
Clearance Level: Porn Level Platinum
SUBJECT PROFILE
Name: Jack
Aliases: Retard, Old dude, Popeye The Pervy Man, liar, bitch, and Trolled By A Dot.
Age: Somewhere between 70 and old enough to complain about it.
Occupation:
*Full-time forum poster.
*Part-time misinformation enthusiast.
*Retired from approximately 11 careers he never actually had.
Primary Habitat:
*Bastard Factory Forums Meltdown where he tries to survive.
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
Following a two-year investigation, Bastard Factory Forums Internal Security has concluded that Subject Jack is responsible for approximately:
*38% of all derailments
*72% of all “Suck Nigger Cock” posts
*100% of claims beginning with:
“I never posted at The Blue Cashew Forums.”
The subject exhibits advanced compulsive fabrication behaviors, including—but not limited to—lying about:
*Computer skills
*Height
*Weight
*Age
*Marital Status
*Doing 50 push ups
*His I.Q.
*Overall Brain Function
Investigators note that Jack lies with such confidence that newer users briefly believe him before noticing he once claimed to invent Wi-Fi during a fishing trip.
BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS: Chronic Task Avoidance Syndrome
Field reports indicate Jack is physically incapable of completing real-world tasks due to excessive forum engagement.
Known unfinished projects include:
*Task: Fixing kitchen sink.
Status: Researching thread about it since 2018.
*Task: Changing his underwear.
Status: Still waiting.
INTERNET ACTIVITY Posting Patterns
Subject averages:
*417 posts per day
*12 arguments before breakfast
*4 accidental double-posts
*1 “I have Flynn on ignore” rant every Thursday
Peak activity occurs between:
All minutes of the day
THE BLUE CASHEW INCIDENT OPERATION: TINY DOT
One of the most devastating intelligence failures in Bastard Factory history occurred during Subject Jack’s infiltration attempt at the notorious The Blue Cashew Forum.
BF operatives convinced Jack his account had been “hijacked by Flynn”
Evidence cited included:
*A suspicious login notification A fake “security warning” And most critically:
*A strategically placed period (“.”)
*The dot appeared in his username: "Jack."
Subject immediately concluded:
*His account had been breached Flynn and was monitoring him.
*“Chinese hackers” wanted his barbecue recipes.
*The forum owner was part of a “digital syndicate”
Jack reportedly spent 11 straight hours:
*Changing passwords.
*Unplugging cables.
*Yelling at his printer.
*Blaming Flynn.
Internal investigators later confirmed:
*The account was never hijacked.
*It was literally just: a dot.
Witnesses describe Jack’s eventual realization as:
“like watching a raccoon discover mirrors.”
THREAT ASSESSMENT Risk Level: LOW Comedy Level: EXTREME
Subject poses no direct danger beyond:
*Exhausting moderators.
*Spreading confidently incorrect info.
*Replying “WRONG” to posts he did not read.
However, prolonged exposure to Subject Jack may result in:
*Secondhand embarrassment.
*Phantom notification anxiety.
*Sudden urges to log off permanently.
ADDITIONAL NOTES
Investigators discovered a folder on Jack’s desktop labeled:
“IMPORTANT LEGAL EVIDENCE”
Contents included:
*9 blurry screenshots.
*A chili recipe.
*A PDF: “GOOD_GURL_ART_Real_2.pdf”
FINAL RECOMMENDATION
Bastard Factory Forums Internal Security recommends the following containment procedures:
*Limit Jack to three conspiracy theories per thread.
*Do not allow him access to Photoshop.
*Never explain punctuation changes near his username.
*If encountered in debate: nod politely, back away slowly, and mute thread immediately.
END OF DOSSIER
Bastard Factory Forums Internal Security Division
“Watching losers so you don’t have to.”
SUBJECT “JACK”
Classification: TERMINALLY ONLINE
Clearance Level: Porn Level Platinum
SUBJECT PROFILE
Name: Jack
Aliases: Retard, Old dude, Popeye The Pervy Man, liar, bitch, and Trolled By A Dot.
Age: Somewhere between 70 and old enough to complain about it.
Occupation:
*Full-time forum poster.
*Part-time misinformation enthusiast.
*Retired from approximately 11 careers he never actually had.
Primary Habitat:
*Bastard Factory Forums Meltdown where he tries to survive.
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
Following a two-year investigation, Bastard Factory Forums Internal Security has concluded that Subject Jack is responsible for approximately:
*38% of all derailments
*72% of all “Suck Nigger Cock” posts
*100% of claims beginning with:
“I never posted at The Blue Cashew Forums.”
The subject exhibits advanced compulsive fabrication behaviors, including—but not limited to—lying about:
*Computer skills
*Height
*Weight
*Age
*Marital Status
*Doing 50 push ups
*His I.Q.
*Overall Brain Function
Investigators note that Jack lies with such confidence that newer users briefly believe him before noticing he once claimed to invent Wi-Fi during a fishing trip.
BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS: Chronic Task Avoidance Syndrome
Field reports indicate Jack is physically incapable of completing real-world tasks due to excessive forum engagement.
Known unfinished projects include:
*Task: Fixing kitchen sink.
Status: Researching thread about it since 2018.
*Task: Changing his underwear.
Status: Still waiting.
INTERNET ACTIVITY Posting Patterns
Subject averages:
*417 posts per day
*12 arguments before breakfast
*4 accidental double-posts
*1 “I have Flynn on ignore” rant every Thursday
Peak activity occurs between:
All minutes of the day
THE BLUE CASHEW INCIDENT OPERATION: TINY DOT
One of the most devastating intelligence failures in Bastard Factory history occurred during Subject Jack’s infiltration attempt at the notorious The Blue Cashew Forum.
BF operatives convinced Jack his account had been “hijacked by Flynn”
Evidence cited included:
*A suspicious login notification A fake “security warning” And most critically:
*A strategically placed period (“.”)
*The dot appeared in his username: "Jack."
Subject immediately concluded:
*His account had been breached Flynn and was monitoring him.
*“Chinese hackers” wanted his barbecue recipes.
*The forum owner was part of a “digital syndicate”
Jack reportedly spent 11 straight hours:
*Changing passwords.
*Unplugging cables.
*Yelling at his printer.
*Blaming Flynn.
Internal investigators later confirmed:
*The account was never hijacked.
*It was literally just: a dot.
Witnesses describe Jack’s eventual realization as:
“like watching a raccoon discover mirrors.”
THREAT ASSESSMENT Risk Level: LOW Comedy Level: EXTREME
Subject poses no direct danger beyond:
*Exhausting moderators.
*Spreading confidently incorrect info.
*Replying “WRONG” to posts he did not read.
However, prolonged exposure to Subject Jack may result in:
*Secondhand embarrassment.
*Phantom notification anxiety.
*Sudden urges to log off permanently.
ADDITIONAL NOTES
Investigators discovered a folder on Jack’s desktop labeled:
“IMPORTANT LEGAL EVIDENCE”
Contents included:
*9 blurry screenshots.
*A chili recipe.
*A PDF: “GOOD_GURL_ART_Real_2.pdf”
FINAL RECOMMENDATION
Bastard Factory Forums Internal Security recommends the following containment procedures:
*Limit Jack to three conspiracy theories per thread.
*Do not allow him access to Photoshop.
*Never explain punctuation changes near his username.
*If encountered in debate: nod politely, back away slowly, and mute thread immediately.
END OF DOSSIER
Bastard Factory Forums Internal Security Division
“Watching losers so you don’t have to.”
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