Flynn
1k+⚡Milestone
- Reaction score
- 3,693
FADE IN:
INT. BASTARD FACTORY STUDIOS - MAILROOM - DAY
Alticus, a 55-year-old mailroom manager with a receding hairline and pleated pants, sorts packages while his mom calls him on speakerphone.
MOM (V.O. sounding like LotusBud): Alticus, did you remember to buy more underwear?
ALTICUS (sighing): Yes, Mother! I’ll pick them up after work. Now let me focus on my very important job...sorting mail for upper management. (As he scrolls for porn on his Nokia flip phone)
Suddenly, the door bursts open and in falls Jack—a 75-year-old balding man in a floral sundress and orthopedic heels. He waves excitedly at Alticus.
JACK (in a high-pitched voice): Oh Alticus! Sweetie! Have you seen my big black dildo, Fredricka? I think I left it here yesterday when we were... uh... "rehearsing" our scene! *wink wink*
ALTICUS (rolling his eyes, as a tiny bulge emerges from his crotch area): Not this again, Jack. You know HR said no more "method acting" in the break room.
Jack pouts before spotting something shiny on the floor—his dildo lying abandoned near the copier. With glee, he bends down to grab it but trips halfway through his squatting motion and face-plants into Alticus’ crotch area. The dildo rolls away under the desk as they both struggle to stand up without touching each other’s groins any further than necessary.
CUT TO:
INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY
Fredricka, a stern-looking Pakistani producer with a permanent red dot between her eyebrows (bindi), sits at her desk eating what she thinks is halal chicken salad from Whole Foods until she bites into something rubbery and phallic-shaped.
FREDRICKA (gagging): What in Allah’s name?! This is not chicken!
She spits out Jack’s dildo onto her keyboard where it lands next to her chai tea cup.
CUT TO:
EXT. STUDIO PARKING LOT - DAY
Admin—a creepy old man driving a white van with no windows—speeds through the parking lot blasting Nickelback while eyeing up child actors waiting for their auditions outside Stage 3.
ADMIN (to himself, licking his lips): Mmm... fresh meat...
Just as he’s about to make contact with an unsuspecting boy scout selling popcorn from his wagon, Admin fails to notice Jack’s lost dildo lying across his path and runs right over it with all four tires of his van.
The sound effect is like crushing an empty water bottle filled with spaghetti noodles.
CUT TO:
INT. BASTARD FACTORY STUDIOS - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The entire cast of characters converges here after security finds pieces of Jack's mangled dildo stuck in Admin's tire treads during their weekly "Van Safety Check."
JACK (tearfully): That was my favorite toy! Now how will I practice my lines?
ALTICUS (exasperated): You don't even have lines in this season's script!
FREDRICKA (still gagging slightly): And whose idea was it to put dildos in salads?!
ADMIN (nervously adjusting his belt buckle shaped like Mickey Mouse ears): Uh... well... I thought that was just part of your... uh... "cultural practices."
The room falls silent except for Alticus' mom calling again asking if he bought new underwear yet.
FADE OUT
INT. BASTARD FACTORY STUDIOS - MAILROOM - DAY
Alticus, a 55-year-old mailroom manager with a receding hairline and pleated pants, sorts packages while his mom calls him on speakerphone.
MOM (V.O. sounding like LotusBud): Alticus, did you remember to buy more underwear?
ALTICUS (sighing): Yes, Mother! I’ll pick them up after work. Now let me focus on my very important job...sorting mail for upper management. (As he scrolls for porn on his Nokia flip phone)
Suddenly, the door bursts open and in falls Jack—a 75-year-old balding man in a floral sundress and orthopedic heels. He waves excitedly at Alticus.
JACK (in a high-pitched voice): Oh Alticus! Sweetie! Have you seen my big black dildo, Fredricka? I think I left it here yesterday when we were... uh... "rehearsing" our scene! *wink wink*
ALTICUS (rolling his eyes, as a tiny bulge emerges from his crotch area): Not this again, Jack. You know HR said no more "method acting" in the break room.
Jack pouts before spotting something shiny on the floor—his dildo lying abandoned near the copier. With glee, he bends down to grab it but trips halfway through his squatting motion and face-plants into Alticus’ crotch area. The dildo rolls away under the desk as they both struggle to stand up without touching each other’s groins any further than necessary.
CUT TO:
INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY
Fredricka, a stern-looking Pakistani producer with a permanent red dot between her eyebrows (bindi), sits at her desk eating what she thinks is halal chicken salad from Whole Foods until she bites into something rubbery and phallic-shaped.
FREDRICKA (gagging): What in Allah’s name?! This is not chicken!
She spits out Jack’s dildo onto her keyboard where it lands next to her chai tea cup.
CUT TO:
EXT. STUDIO PARKING LOT - DAY
Admin—a creepy old man driving a white van with no windows—speeds through the parking lot blasting Nickelback while eyeing up child actors waiting for their auditions outside Stage 3.
ADMIN (to himself, licking his lips): Mmm... fresh meat...
Just as he’s about to make contact with an unsuspecting boy scout selling popcorn from his wagon, Admin fails to notice Jack’s lost dildo lying across his path and runs right over it with all four tires of his van.
The sound effect is like crushing an empty water bottle filled with spaghetti noodles.
CUT TO:
INT. BASTARD FACTORY STUDIOS - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The entire cast of characters converges here after security finds pieces of Jack's mangled dildo stuck in Admin's tire treads during their weekly "Van Safety Check."
JACK (tearfully): That was my favorite toy! Now how will I practice my lines?
ALTICUS (exasperated): You don't even have lines in this season's script!
FREDRICKA (still gagging slightly): And whose idea was it to put dildos in salads?!
ADMIN (nervously adjusting his belt buckle shaped like Mickey Mouse ears): Uh... well... I thought that was just part of your... uh... "cultural practices."
The room falls silent except for Alticus' mom calling again asking if he bought new underwear yet.
FADE OUT
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