Blurt, why are you a turd?
Speaking of turds Onkel, do you remember my story about the time my prezzie nearly buckled my anus? I‘ll retell it for another laff:
When nature nearly destroyed my anus…
It was an early crisp morning and the birds were chirping merrily greeting the dawn. My cousin had come over so we could have an early morning surf. I was only young and didn’t have a car licence…my cousin wanted to show off his new VW kombi…the square model. But I digress..
We chowed down some coffee and drank some marmite toast and were raring to go…when I had a big bowel movement in my bowels.
I told my cousin to hold up because I needed to have a massive shit. He told me to make it snappy. “Make it snappy!”
I jumped on the big white telephone quick and was ready to ring one out when….when nothing happened but resistance and bad gut ache??
I was pushing and pushing and then started sweating from exertion and still nothing…..arrrrrgh!
All of a sudden I felt something engage up in my poofy! And it felt angry for getting trapped for so long. My anus started getting wide and it was getting painful. Fuuuuuuuck…this was going to be massive I thought. My anus got wider and wider still.
I looked down and this angry prezzie started growling at me. It was a solid black girtha of a shit and it was going to try bust my naught. I started panicking.
I started moaning from the pain and tears started involuntary rolling down my upper cheeks. My lower cheeks were trying to resist the abomination poking its head out my arse!
At that moment I just wanted to poke it back in or break it apart with my fingers, but I didn’t want my fingers to get poofy! My anus was ready to bust and I was in serious pain in the arse almost screaming out load.
All of a sudden the massive prezzie released!!!
The girtha was so massive in girth that it was half in and half out of the water in the toilet bowel. It didn’t even flush for fuck sakes!
I eventually broke it apart with the toilet brush.
So I wiped away my tears and left the torture chamber.
Next second I heard laughter?? I looked around and my cousin and father were laughing at me for some reason…?
“What are youz laughing at you cunts??”, I asked.
They asked me how was my wank!!!
These resident fuckwits though I was pulling my fucking wire on account of my moaning and groaning after all that pain that I endured from Mother Nature can you believe?
Anyway that was that…and my arse was sore for a couple of days.
But I never had a bad shit like that ever again…in fact prezzies just fell out with ease after that tear-jerking moment.
Mother Nature has a wicked sense of humour aye!?