I'm sorry to hear you went through that. Rape is a real problem for women. Many, many men from that culture have zero respect for women which is fucking ridiculous imo.
What traumatized me the most wasnt the act of rape....it was the complete disregard of my humanity.
I was nothing more than a sack of potatoes and I believed I was going to be murdered when they were done with me.
I got knocked silly against a sink and I remember seeing blood in a puddle around my head and thinking "oh....is that my blood?" And I was thinking about my grandma and where my body might be found. If it ever got found.
And I didn't fight them....because I was in shock. And I somehow knew that of I fought I would absolutely end up dead or half dead. These men were just evil....souless eyes. It would have been nothing for them to just kill me and toss my corpse in the river.
And the pain made me vomit and i was afraid of being beaten for vomitting.
And at the time I didn't really have the vocabulary to properly discuss what I was going through. I spent two weeks in a hospital and the state removed me from my families home...my step father was investigated (I was completely unable to even speak....or write what happened). It was known from my injuries what happened but it was months before I could even start talking about it. And for years I could not get these words out. I still prefer saying "attacked".
Eventually my grandmother...who raised me anyway...was given custody after two years of me being in a psych hospital. Well in and out. I was allowed weekends, then a month here and there....I know how this is going to sound, but I did LSD and shooms in an attempt to cure myself.
I had some horrifying....yet life changing experiences and I was just a fucking kid. But things I experienced tripping actually helped me more than the host of psych meds I was put on.
I haven't been on meds in several years and im doing wonderfully. I haven't had those bad, horrid depressions that uses to plague me.
It was SO easy for me to get hooked on heroin because I just never felt happy or good. Ever. Most of my young life was just survival mode, trying so hard to just feel consistently okay.
I was very emotionally unavailable so relationships are hard for me. I don't always have the energy people need from me. Including for my own kids....they know though and they know why. When they were little they knew it as mommies brain gets sick and makes her scared a lot. Now they are adults and they know the whole story.
And I wanted them to know because these things happen and I don't want it happening to THEM. I don't want them living in fear...but common sense caution. I always say....nothing good goes on past midnight.
Everyone has said I have been much more present the past few years but I haven't been full of anxiety or depressed so....that helps lol.
Being here with my best friend....the man who has been a safe place and rock for me for 30 years, has been everything. I like to stay off medication if I can help it. He understands me better than anyone ever has. It's little things. Like my ex found it hilarious to startle me. And he made me cry a few times and I had to remind him....dude...you cannot startle me. It's a trigger and my brain gets stuck in that fight or flight and I end up fucked up for a few days. He always "forgot". I told him one of these days im going to respond with violence and I won't be able to help it.
My man here always moves through the house making noise. So I know he is coming.
Excersize....meditation...prayer....all does wonders. I know my warning signs where I know I'm not going to be able to fight out of a funk and I'll get on meds if I start feeling like that.
All that being said.....I get very uncomfortable or nervous if I'm around arabic men I don't know and I avoid that. I don't think i would get in a cab with one either. To be fair I probably wouldn't get into a cab with any strange man.
