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BREAKING: San Antonio to Be Renamed “Tonyville” in Effort to Scrub Spanish from Texas Map
“If the name starts with ‘San,’ it ends with communism,” says spokesperson for Texans United for Naming Towns Sensibly (TUNTS).
The great Texas renaming crusade is officially underway, and first on the chopping block: San Antonio, which will soon be known as Tonyville — because, quote, “we like saints, but only if they sound like they own a Bass Pro Shop.”
Backed by hardline linguistic purity groups like:
• Christians for Anglo Cartography (CAC)
• Freedom Fried PAC
• and Texans Opposed to Romantic Languages (TORL),
this campaign is calling Spanish place names “a threat to the moral fiber of directional signage.”
Additional proposed rebrands include:
• Corpus Christi → Jesus Beach
• El Paso → Y’all Paso
• Del Rio → Real River, TX
• Laredo → Freedom Junction
• Llano → Flat Jack
• Los Fresnos → Them Trees
• San Marcos → Marksville
• Las Colinas → The Hills (But Proud)
A TUNTS press release stated:
“Texas place names should reflect our values: clarity, patriotism, and the God-given right to mispronounce queso.”
The Rio Grande may also be renamed River USA and a petition is circulating to exile the ñ from keyboards statewide.
Historians, geographers, and Spanish teachers are calling it “deeply unserious,” but supporters say they won’t rest “until every map in Texas reads like a Bass Pro gift registry.”
Coming soon:
The Great Tex-Mex Rebranding — because apparently nachos are suspicious now too.
“If the name starts with ‘San,’ it ends with communism,” says spokesperson for Texans United for Naming Towns Sensibly (TUNTS).
The great Texas renaming crusade is officially underway, and first on the chopping block: San Antonio, which will soon be known as Tonyville — because, quote, “we like saints, but only if they sound like they own a Bass Pro Shop.”
Backed by hardline linguistic purity groups like:
• Christians for Anglo Cartography (CAC)
• Freedom Fried PAC
• and Texans Opposed to Romantic Languages (TORL),
this campaign is calling Spanish place names “a threat to the moral fiber of directional signage.”
Additional proposed rebrands include:
• Corpus Christi → Jesus Beach
• El Paso → Y’all Paso
• Del Rio → Real River, TX
• Laredo → Freedom Junction
• Llano → Flat Jack
• Los Fresnos → Them Trees
• San Marcos → Marksville
• Las Colinas → The Hills (But Proud)
A TUNTS press release stated:
“Texas place names should reflect our values: clarity, patriotism, and the God-given right to mispronounce queso.”
The Rio Grande may also be renamed River USA and a petition is circulating to exile the ñ from keyboards statewide.
Historians, geographers, and Spanish teachers are calling it “deeply unserious,” but supporters say they won’t rest “until every map in Texas reads like a Bass Pro gift registry.”
Coming soon:
The Great Tex-Mex Rebranding — because apparently nachos are suspicious now too.
