Dove, we have been e-bro's for a very long time... I never take anything you say as "hostile" even when we disagree...
Anyway, fuck this political talk... its your special day? HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!
What celebrations have you got planned?
Not a thing lol. I really just wanted a quiet night.
Im honestly a mess this week. Its not my life is a mess or im unhappy or anything like that. Life is really good. Its ME. IM a mess.
I have been seeing double sometimes when I drive. For the past 5 years...and I have intentionally hid this. I work around it. I have figured out if im tired, stressed, dehydrated... its gonna be worse. So I manage my life around this double vision. Its ONLY when im driving too. It doesnt happen any other times. I dont have it when im watching something or reading. I dont have it as a passenger in a car. Just when im the one driving.
I thought maybe progressive lenses would help. Nope.
And I started a business several months ago that requires me to go to homes and businesses. So I have to drive. And last Saturday I went out to a job in another town and the area I was in is a pain in the ass to drive in. I was fine on the way, but on the way back it was fucking awful. And my 20 year old came with me so she was in the car. She has NO IDEA that I had to close one eye several times, that i was completely panicking. Because i will act completely normal. Im SO good at hiding distress. I dont understand WHY I do this.
So this eye thing? I was spiraling over this. I was in tears and everything. Finally said something.....to my man. He was like...."oh thats it? I had the same thing happen to me years ago. Its just eye alignment. You need a prism in your lenses".
And yeah. Thats all it is. Im experiencing a VERY common issue that many people experience if they have vision issues once they start aging.
I have been dealing with this for 5 fucking years just keeping it to myself. And it was a SIMPLE thing that could have been dealt with years ago.
I cant keep doing this. I have emotional PROBLEMS. And it interfers with my quality of life because I will ignore or hide problems im having. Its not that I just wont ask for help because im stubborn. No. There is something fundamentally wrong and mistrusting inside of me that makes me UNBLE to do it. I become emotionally and mentally paralyzed. It isnt just the vision disturbance. I do this with everything.
When I first started getting that kidney stone problem? I had signs. I had back pain. It took months before it was bad enough to make me go to an ER and I really only went because my friend wouldnt leave me the fuck alone about it. What was my end game there right? I supposed id have just stayed home and died of sepsis eventually.
I was also diagnosed with ADHD 12 years ago. NO ONE in my life knows. I have IGNORED it because I was scared of the meds. How DUMB is that? So for 12 years, ive just been coping with untreated ADHD. My logic was....hey, I know this. Ive been living like this so far. If I dont even know what "normal" is like im not missing anything. Meanwhile both of my adult kids have said they think I have ADHD and I should get screened. They dont know i was diagnosed.
Like this HAS to be the result of having a drunk, addict abusive mother growing up. I just dont know how else to be but I cant keep doing this.
I can die. I have people I love who didnt even live this long. I could get sick and die. So I cant be spiraling and hiding things like seeing double when I drive or running around with untreated ADHD. I dont HAVE to suffer but I always chose it. What if I DO have some serious issue and my dumb ass hides it until its some major issue?
So this is my week thus far. Just reflecting. Im my own biggest problem
Sunday when everyone is going to be home, we are gonna have a fire and some drinks. My daughter wants me to do bong rips with her SO BAD and I may take her up on it. She actually researched weed strains and growing methods and all that just to find a strain of weed that wont cause me to have a panick attack. I dont know why she wants to share weed with me so badly but im thinking ill refill my Ativan and go ahead and do it.
I mean fuck it why not?
The last time I smoked weed, I only took 2 hits and I was high as fuck and forced my man to watch videos of chickens running around in pants for a solid hour lol. I lived.