Here is why dating me sucks
I snore. I dont mean normal snoring. I mean I get dumped almost every single fucking night and begin every day in the dog house. Im like a rutting water buffalo.
I have to put this magnetic nose thing on and use a mouth guard. If I dont, my man probably will smother me in my sleep.
Normal women just fart on their sleep. Me? I snore like a fucking chainsaw. I have a deviated septum. So. Yeah.
I also have untreated ADHD. And PTSD. And this plays out on a daily basis. My man is kind of like my care taker because of it. He knows when we are getting ready to leave the house, its chaos and if he doesnt get my phone, keys, and my other shoe....its gonna take me an hour to do it. I startle VERY easily and it can throw me into a panic attack.
Im heavily sarcastic. My man will say "are we getting porky mouthed?" Whenever I start to get....well....porky mouthed.
I WILL bring home animals. I will bring actual wild life into the house. If Snow White was a retired stripper with mental illness in addiction recovery.....it would be me. My latest endeavor is silkie chickens. Im going to get 4 or 6.....or 12 silkies. And ill be naming them after the Tudors. I rarely care of the man wants me to or not. Im the kind of person that will do it anyway. I also cry on the couch over videos of dumped cats getting rescued.
I will send the most disturbing reels imaginable.
I have a ridiculously high sex drive. Yes I know this SOUNDS good. This SOUNDS like something all men would absolutely want. Until im mouth breathing over you while you are sleeping while saying things like "hey...hey we are home alone right now, just wake up enough to make this not be rape" IM the pervert in my relationship. The CRINGEY pervert. I find it empowering. There is nothing more satisfying than being the dainty hot chick who says things like "i got something you can snack on". Sexually harassing my middle aged man is one of my favorite hobbies. I whisper sweet nothings like ..."Hey, are you my little toe? Cuz im gonna bang you on every piece of furniture in this house" I say things that are so cringey it will make you wonder if its even worth it.
I HAVE to have the organic, eco friendly (legitimately....not greenwashed) option for everything. If you purchase something other than that, you get to hear me yap about all the reasons why your choice sucks.
But I USED to get so drunk id pee myself so anything im sure is an upgrade from THAT.
Im sure there is more. Im a massive pain in the ass trust me lol.