Dirty Masturbation Stories

THROB

Factory Bastard
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436
I came on the neighbors toilet seat when locked out of my apartment last month.
 

Gyroscope

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I used to masturbate onto birds at a local park. Not a thing that I'm particularly proud of but I became quite good at it. I was taking zinc supplements so I was shooting massive loads and it became something of a sport to me. For anyone interested here is your best strategy. first, you need to find an isolated spot so you don't become a sex offender. I found a short kind of channel area where I saw the pigeons would congregate. Next, you arouse yourself. I was usually content with envisioning the occasional jogging lady coming over and taking a shit on my chest and that was enough to fuel the fire but if you're not as sexually charged as me just take some porn on the go. After you're good an horny, you get some bread. My pigeons preferred white bread but healthier birds might have a taste for honey wheat or maybe even multigrain. Fat, unhealthy birds are slower and easier to hit so remember that. Once you are seated on the bench and ready to do the deed, whip your roosevelt out and scatter bread out within a few feet of you. use your judgement based on how far you know you can cum. I was a lonely and depraved soul who could hit targets the size of a thimble at distances up to 4 feet. You wait for the pigeons to begin eating and to get comfortable with your presence. At this point, you want to coo gently and talk sensually to them to gain their trust. Now you're finally ready to cum on your bird. This is a tough part because the rapid motion of masturbation is very frightening to the birds, so you have to be subtle. Once you master a technique, you simply wind it up and let it go, aiming depending on your past cumming experiences. I always came high so I would aim for the neck of the bird and catch it right in the face. It's an extremely satisfying and erotic feeling, seeing those birds reel around covered in cum and maybe even transporting it to other places in the city. Either way I haven't done it in years but every now and then I catch myself gazing wistfully at a flock of birds, cock throbbing and waiting for them to land close to me.
 

offwidthe

Professional Yeti Hunter
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What the fuck did I just make myself read. I haven't shot a load in months.
 

Gyroscope

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I spend 5 hours masturbating before my prostate exams. I edge, and edge, and edge, until a butterfly sneezing on my taint could bring me to orgasm. I tactfully shuffle my way down to the doctor’s office and when he lubes up I nearly cum every time. But I’ve trained my keggle muscles enough to the point where I can hold in Mount Vesuvius’s wrath. then as soon as he puts the smallest bit of pressure on my prostate I unleash with the fury of a lion hunting it’s prey. As the room gets covered in my hot sticky juices the doctor looks on disgusted and leaves the room. I always go to a hospital far away from where I live to get it so that I don’t have to go in for surgery under the doctor that I busted to. Best thing is we have free healthcare here, so the doctor gets me off and it’s covered by taxpayers. That’s my fetish.
 
OP
OP
THROB

THROB

Factory Bastard
Messages
436
wifes really hot, so I shot it under the seat and it blends in with the porcelon. I have strong visions of her sitting on it you know.
anyways, i like to piss on peoples seats, towels and things. I really dont give a fuck.
 

Big Sexy

narcoleptic mattress salesman
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Daughter walked in on me years ago. Worst part about it, she stood in the doorway and said "whaaaaaaaat are youuuuuu doing?" really slow.
Things were awkward at dinner.
 

TheHaze

If my dog doesn't like you, I probably won'teither
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Daughter walked in on me years ago. Worst part about it, she stood in the doorway and said "whaaaaaaaat are youuuuuu doing?" really slow.
Things were awkward at dinner.
I bet you couldn't get rid of your boner after that and visions of her grabbing it - - - - - -
 

FagglesMcGee

Forever forgotten.
Messages
182
I used to masturbate onto birds at a local park. Not a thing that I'm particularly proud of but I became quite good at it. I was taking zinc supplements so I was shooting massive loads and it became something of a sport to me. For anyone interested here is your best strategy. first, you need to find an isolated spot so you don't become a sex offender. I found a short kind of channel area where I saw the pigeons would congregate. Next, you arouse yourself. I was usually content with envisioning the occasional jogging lady coming over and taking a shit on my chest and that was enough to fuel the fire but if you're not as sexually charged as me just take some porn on the go. After you're good an horny, you get some bread. My pigeons preferred white bread but healthier birds might have a taste for honey wheat or maybe even multigrain. Fat, unhealthy birds are slower and easier to hit so remember that. Once you are seated on the bench and ready to do the deed, whip your roosevelt out and scatter bread out within a few feet of you. use your judgement based on how far you know you can cum. I was a lonely and depraved soul who could hit targets the size of a thimble at distances up to 4 feet. You wait for the pigeons to begin eating and to get comfortable with your presence. At this point, you want to coo gently and talk sensually to them to gain their trust. Now you're finally ready to cum on your bird. This is a tough part because the rapid motion of masturbation is very frightening to the birds, so you have to be subtle. Once you master a technique, you simply wind it up and let it go, aiming depending on your past cumming experiences. I always came high so I would aim for the neck of the bird and catch it right in the face. It's an extremely satisfying and erotic feeling, seeing those birds reel around covered in cum and maybe even transporting it to other places in the city. Either way I haven't done it in years but every now and then I catch myself gazing wistfully at a flock of birds, cock throbbing and waiting for them to land close to me.
I almost called bullshit until I read this...

I spend 5 hours masturbating before my prostate exams. I edge, and edge, and edge, until a butterfly sneezing on my taint could bring me to orgasm.
I've never personally sniped anyone or anything until I did the edging thing. I swear to this day and the day I die, I either hit the ceiling or got very close to hitting it. 2 hours of just boredom jerking it will prime that cannon for lightning speed.