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The Americans sandwich their summers between two festivals of meat: Memorial Day, and Labor Day. In between, most of the days are too hot; on the Days themselves, it is the Americans who make the heat, through the cooking of the meats. Although there are kitchens in the homes of the Americans, on the Days the Americans do not cook the meats there. Instead, they heat the meats outside, over some variation of an open flame, one that is—at least theoretically—under some form of control. In outside cooking the meats on the Days the Americans atavist to humans before there were Americans. Or kitchens.
(In the middle of the summers the Americans also have another Meat day, July 4, but that one is more about Bombs, than Meat.)
It is right and meet for the Americans on the Days to cook the meats, because we know from the official Lab Coat tome Consuming Passions by food anthropologist Peter Farb that the taste buds in the humans respond most avidly to meat and fruit. That is because these are what the human body is designed to run on. Meat and fruit are, for the humans, the fuel.
Notice what is not in the fuel. Vegetables.
As Big Bill Shakes once wrote: I come not to praise vegetables, but to bury them. When they were out huntering and gathering the meat and the fruit, the humans were not plagued by vegetables. Vegetables arrived only when the humans suffered a brain damage that caused them to cease wandering the lands in the huntering and gathering and instead live lazily in one place—like a boulder, or mold. It was then that the humans started growing and eating the vegetables. An unsanity. Which caused them to become further unsane. Inventing unsanities like cities, money, jobs, wars, hula-hoes, Microsoft Bob, Rod McKuen, Walter Keane. Today the humans are so unsane they even elect vegetables to be the president. The Kleagle, for instance, is mostly carrot. That is the root (vegetable) of his Problem.
When they were having the huntering and gathering the humans eating the meats and the fruits did not go bloat because the meats and the fruits were not always readily available and also it took some effort to secure them. Not so, today. Today, anyone, even if they are Poor, can all day and all of the night go to the McDonald’s, and also to the Hershey’s. That is why the humans are bloating into puffy Michelin Men. Evolution has not caught up with the fact that the humans can now always have the McDonald’s and the Hershey’s. So it takes those McDonald’s and Hershey’s calories, and from them in the bodies makes Fat. Fat that the humans can feed off when come the lean times. Because, in the evolution, the evolution learned there would sometimes for the humans be lean times. Except, today, for the humans, there are not any lean times. Because the McDonald’s, it is always open. And the humans, they are always in there.
A good thing about the Michelining of the humans is that if ever an asteroid comes, and Meanly tries to strike the earth, all the Michelin humans can be herded onto one small portion of the planet. The ginormous pressure of their weights will then shift the earth out of its orbit sufficiently so that the asteroid will pass by without actually hitting the terra. (This has been Proven by Science.) Once the Danger has passed, the Michelins can then be redistributed back to their regularly scheduled McDonald’s. And the world will then again go round, per usual.
Above, we see the official poster of the Days of Meat, a freak flag hung high, by the people of the Kleagle. It is a throwback to the Days that were Good, before all the Wrongnesses—sex, science, hot sauce, melanin, etc.—befouled the land. When the Kleagle returns to the White Power House, riding a great wave of bleach and horse dewormer, he will abolish all of these Wrongnesses, and there will be left, all and everywhere, only Whiteness, and uber alles. It will be, an old dawn.
