Weird personal story about cheating and forgiveness

[The Prowler]

Exactly why I choose not to be chummy with a gaggle of friends. Who needs the dRama?

Agreed. In my adulthood I keep things light with any large group of "friends" who I meet.

My tight friends I have been close to for at least 20+ years. A lot of the older friends (30+ years) are friends with each other from back-in-the-day too. Even those old friendships can get drama as a few of them talk about the other to me behind their backs.

 

[The Prowler]

Lotus, this situation is difficult. I’d stay out of it period. He’s in the wrong wrong and should not be enabled.

She can't stay out of it because she's a nosy hen

Bin-go!!!!

 

[The Prowler]

That being said, it's not about the group it's about Bob and his wife and people ought not take sides at all. The group should refrain from judging, some of them are bound to make mistakes of their own.

You are such a loser.

I judge everyone I meet.

Bob is a selfish little man-child with no sense of honour or integrity. I would not have been stupid enough to become close to a fucktard like that in the first place.

Leaker, you are a desperate, uninteresting, useless person who has to grovel for any "friendship" you can scrounge up. And you have to constantly analyze every move you make to try to keep up the facade that you are not a fuckin' loser.

 

[The Prowler]

Wow. I said I thought he was gay at first, not that I currently think he's a closet homosexual. And we have been friends for 2 1/2 years.

But when you found out he was straight, you still continued to hang out with the guy.

Growing close to a married man.

Married to another woman.

If it was not for you, maybe they could have spent more time together and growing together.

You absolute horrible, selfish cunt.

You homewrecker.

 

[LotusBud]

Wow. I said I thought he was gay at first, not that I currently think he's a closet homosexual. And we have been friends for 2 1/2 years.

But when you found out he was straight, you still continued to hang out with the guy.

Growing close to a married man.

Married to another woman.

If it was not for you, maybe they could have spent more time together and growing together.

You absolute horrible, selfish cunt.

You homewrecker.

So, it's my fault he left his wife for another woman. Yeah. That makes all kinds of sense.

You guys are pathetic.

 

[Biggie Smiles]

So, we have some very close friends here in Portugal. People we've been hanging out with consistently for 2 1/2 years. We've gone through a lot together and know each other very well. Maybe a dozen or so people (they're not all close friends to me, but as a group, that's how many of us there are). And we kind of all got together because of this one man. I'll call him Bob. Bob and his wife hosted a lot of events where we all got to know each other and bonded, so he was kind of the glue. He more so than his wife, whom I'll call Elaine.

Well, Bob and I especially bonded. As friends only. Honestly, I bonded with him early on thinking that he was gay and in a marriage of friendship, so I was comfortable hanging out with him alone when the spouses didn't want to do shit. Bob has had many female friends, and I have also had many male friends. No biggie. But, Elaine got a little jealous. She thought we were having a thing. I told everyone I know, No fucking way. I do not find Bob in any way attractive. Not interested.

Well, yesterday, Bob told all of us, one by one in texts, that he had fallen in love with a woman he met FOUR WEEKS ago, and was moving in with her. He called me to speak to me about it. I read him the riot act. I told him he was an asshole and out of his mind. I said the person he'll be living with in 6 months is not the person he thinks he's in love with now, and that he's a chicken shit, etc. tc.

Long story very much shorter, but, ultimately, every single person in our group has turned on him, except for one guy who's very intellectual and rational, and me. I reached out to Elaine and told her I am here for her and will do anything she needs, but I also told Bob I am practicing forgiveness and will not turn my back on him.

The others, except for the one rational guy, think Bob has betrayed the entire group. I think all the others are going to be mad at me for not choosing a side. My best female friend here thinks I'm crazy, and may even be pissed at me. But, I just can't do it. In any case, this cohesive group will never be the same.

I think everyone in this scenario is being an asshole, except for me, the rational guy, and Elaine. What a bunch of children.

Thanks for letting me share.

I think Bob is making a big mistake, but it is his life to live. He will have to deal with the fallout, which includes losing some friends - an unfortunate consequence.

That being said, it's not about the group it's about Bob and his wife and people ought not take sides at all. The group should refrain from judging, some of them are bound to make mistakes of their own.

Yeah, I agree, but they don't give a shit what I think and they are mostly acting like children.

they don’t care what you think because they sense you are stupid

and they are absolutely right

 

[The Prowler]

Wow. I said I thought he was gay at first, not that I currently think he's a closet homosexual. And we have been friends for 2 1/2 years.

But when you found out he was straight, you still continued to hang out with the guy.

Growing close to a married man.

Married to another woman.

If it was not for you, maybe they could have spent more time together and growing together.

You absolute horrible, selfish cunt.

You homewrecker.

So, it's my fault he left his wife for another woman. Yeah. That makes all kinds of sense.

You guys are pathetic.

You told everyone about all the time you were spending with him.

Spending time with a married man while he neglected his wife.

I think you hoped people would think you were cool, or something.

But causing friction in another woman's marriage is not cool.

Being a homewrecker is not cool.

 

[LotusBud]

Wow. I said I thought he was gay at first, not that I currently think he's a closet homosexual. And we have been friends for 2 1/2 years.

But when you found out he was straight, you still continued to hang out with the guy.

Growing close to a married man.

Married to another woman.

If it was not for you, maybe they could have spent more time together and growing together.

You absolute horrible, selfish cunt.

You homewrecker.

So, it's my fault he left his wife for another woman. Yeah. That makes all kinds of sense.

You guys are pathetic.

You told everyone about all the time you were spending with him.

Spending time with a married man while he neglected his wife.

I think you hoped people would think you were cool, or something.

But causing friction in another woman's marriage is not cool.

Being a homewrecker is not cool.

What are you, thirteen years old?

 

[SHAMPAIN]

I'd just like to remind you ALL...

Threadjacking Shit-posters

This is one of the oldest rules on the internet and is here to make this place better for the future members to read. The concept in a nutshell... STAYING ON-TOPIC. As we know, arguments break out and threads go in different directions all the time... understandable, but there are members...

bastardfactory.net

 

[Jeannie]

 

[The Prowler]

Irony Alert!!!

What are you, thirteen years old?

That response was on-par with what a 13 year old would be able to think up.

LettuceBrain is a Top Notch Homewrecker.

But oh so dumb.

 

[LotusBud]

Update. Bob and I had coffee yesterday. I told him, again, what I think of his shenanigans, nothing of which was good. But I also told him I will remain his friend because I don't think it's my place to judge. I can say what I believe to be true about his behavior, but I will not simply X him out of my life because he has done something selfish. We have all done selfish things.

His new love was eating at a cafe around the corner with a mutual friend (the friend is not part of the couples crowd, and she also has not turned on him) while I was with Bob. It was all kind of weird. Anyway, Bob and his new love are leaving town soon, so it was sort of a farewell gesture.

And anyone who has an issue with my having a male friend, my message to you is: stfu, you're immature and stupid.

 

[Dove]

Update. Bob and I had coffee yesterday. I told him, again, what I think of his shenanigans, nothing of which was good. But I also told him I will remain his friend because I don't think it's my place to judge. I can say what I believe to be true about his behavior, but I will not simply X him out of my life because he has done something selfish. We have all done selfish things.

His new love was eating at a cafe around the corner with a mutual friend (the friend is not part of the couples crowd, and she also has not turned on him) while I was with Bob. It was all kind of weird. Anyway, Bob and his new love are leaving town soon, so it was sort of a farewell gesture.

And anyone who has an issue with my having a male friend, my message to you is: stfu, you're immature and stupid.

A lot of people think men and women cannot be just friends. That's crap though. My bestest friend is a man. I've been friends with him since I was 14. I call him my "brother" because that's easier than saying "my friend" and really he is more like family at this point.

What (genuinely) concerns me about your post is they way you worded why you wont X him from your life. Because even though what he is doing is selfish, we have all done selfish things.

I see this sort of thinking a lot in drug addiction dynamics when an enabler is explaining why they wont tell the addict to kick rocks. I've had people say literally the same stuff about me before trying to "help" me with money or whatnot. My aunt was the worst. She tried so hard to be a supportive person and she is so soft hearted. She would western union you 500 bucks at 2am and not even ask a question because "we all need help sometimes".

Imagine how she would feel had I died on HER some.

I never even asked her for anything. She just knew things were bad with me and wanted to help.

I know this particular situation isnt nearly as extreme and there isnt any (at least direct) enabling. This guy is gonna do what he is gonna do regardless.

I'm just noticing some "weak boundary" reasoning here. And I'm definately not saying this to be a dick or pick on you or insult you. None of us are perfect in our dealings with other people.

What is it you get out of the friendship? Because this guy is kinda showing you that loyalies suddenly flip. Dont forget he is betraying and ditching a woman he vowed to always be there for. Out of left feild, right? You were their friend and you didnt know they had any issues, right? He just up and dropped her for someone new and did he even share this info before doing it?

You see what I'm saying? Of course we have all done selfish things. We all fuck up a lot as part of being human. How is he dealing with his selfish act is what you want to look at. He knows its selfish. He knows he is hurting people. He is doing it anyway and justifying it. That tells you he isnt just doing a selfish thing...he is full on a selfish person who doesnt value his own word and promises.

What does a person like this bring to the table for YOU? Friendships are not marriages or romantic relationships, no. But they are still relationships that impact your life. What does he offer to make your life better or influence you to be a better person? You cant trust him really. If he is willing to backstab and ditch his WIFE like that and just accept his friends ditching him for this woman...because he is thinking like a child that he deserves "happiness".....he would definately ditch or backstab you if there was something in it for him.

Be careful. This is definately someone showing you who they are. Believe me I understand where you are coming from showing this man grace and not wanting to just abandone a friend. I get that. But you have to consider what's good for YOU and chose your friendships carefully. If you dont want to cut him out, at least pull back and use caution. Try to not make excuses for what he is doing (we have all done selfish things). I know you want to be an understanding and caring friend. But from what you are telling us, does this guy deserve a friend like that and would he be as loyal to you....loyalty isnt this guys priority. His own "happiness" is.

We should all prioritize our happiness but not at the expense of other people and at the expense of our WORD.

I'm not telling you to cut him. Just keep a realistic view and respond accordingly. Dont ever put him in a position where you rely on him on any level. Dont confide in him anything you wouldnt want blasted or used against you later. He is showing you he cant be trusted and is not just doing a selfish thing....he is proceeding with the selfish thing anyway. So be careful how much influence you allow this person to have in your life.

 

[LotusBud]

Update. Bob and I had coffee yesterday. I told him, again, what I think of his shenanigans, nothing of which was good. But I also told him I will remain his friend because I don't think it's my place to judge. I can say what I believe to be true about his behavior, but I will not simply X him out of my life because he has done something selfish. We have all done selfish things.

His new love was eating at a cafe around the corner with a mutual friend (the friend is not part of the couples crowd, and she also has not turned on him) while I was with Bob. It was all kind of weird. Anyway, Bob and his new love are leaving town soon, so it was sort of a farewell gesture.

And anyone who has an issue with my having a male friend, my message to you is: stfu, you're immature and stupid.

A lot of people think men and women cannot be just friends. That's crap though. My bestest friend is a man. I've been friends with him since I was 14. I call him my "brother" because that's easier than saying "my friend" and really he is more like family at this point.

What (genuinely) concerns me about your post is they way you worded why you wont X him from your life. Because even though what he is doing is selfish, we have all done selfish things.

I see this sort of thinking a lot in drug addiction dynamics when an enabler is explaining why they wont tell the addict to kick rocks. I've had people say literally the same stuff about me before trying to "help" me with money or whatnot. My aunt was the worst. She tried so hard to be a supportive person and she is so soft hearted. She would western union you 500 bucks at 2am and not even ask a question because "we all need help sometimes".

Imagine how she would feel had I died on HER some.

I never even asked her for anything. She just knew things were bad with me and wanted to help.

I know this particular situation isnt nearly as extreme and there isnt any (at least direct) enabling. This guy is gonna do what he is gonna do regardless.

I'm just noticing some "weak boundary" reasoning here. And I'm definately not saying this to be a dick or pick on you or insult you. None of us are perfect in our dealings with other people.

What is it you get out of the friendship? Because this guy is kinda showing you that loyalies suddenly flip. Dont forget he is betraying and ditching a woman he vowed to always be there for. Out of left feild, right? You were their friend and you didnt know they had any issues, right? He just up and dropped her for someone new and did he even share this info before doing it?

You see what I'm saying? Of course we have all done selfish things. We all fuck up a lot as part of being human. How is he dealing with his selfish act is what you want to look at. He knows its selfish. He knows he is hurting people. He is doing it anyway and justifying it. That tells you he isnt just doing a selfish thing...he is full on a selfish person who doesnt value his own word and promises.

What does a person like this bring to the table for YOU? Friendships are not marriages or romantic relationships, no. But they are still relationships that impact your life. What does he offer to make your life better or influence you to be a better person? You cant trust him really. If he is willing to backstab and ditch his WIFE like that and just accept his friends ditching him for this woman...because he is thinking like a child that he deserves "happiness".....he would definately ditch or backstab you if there was something in it for him.

Be careful. This is definately someone showing you who they are. Believe me I understand where you are coming from showing this man grace and not wanting to just abandone a friend. I get that. But you have to consider what's good for YOU and chose your friendships carefully. If you dont want to cut him out, at least pull back and use caution. Try to not make excuses for what he is doing (we have all done selfish things). I know you want to be an understanding and caring friend. But from what you are telling us, does this guy deserve a friend like that and would he be as loyal to you....loyalty isnt this guys priority. His own "happiness" is.

We should all prioritize our happiness but not at the expense of other people and at the expense of our WORD.

I'm not telling you to cut him. Just keep a realistic view and respond accordingly. Dont ever put him in a position where you rely on him on any level. Dont confide in him anything you wouldnt want blasted or used against you later. He is showing you he cant be trusted and is not just doing a selfish thing....he is proceeding with the selfish thing anyway. So be careful how much influence you allow this person to have in your life.

I don't think leaving one's spouse for another equates to drug addiction. Not at all.

And, obviously, I have pulled back. I've seen him once since this happened, and he is moving an hour away. I won't be seeing him much after that. I think my view is very realistic. He knows damn well I think he did wrong. But he hasn't done anything to me. And he can't. He's not my partner. Drug addicts are a different story. They hurt everyone.

 

[Dove]

Update. Bob and I had coffee yesterday. I told him, again, what I think of his shenanigans, nothing of which was good. But I also told him I will remain his friend because I don't think it's my place to judge. I can say what I believe to be true about his behavior, but I will not simply X him out of my life because he has done something selfish. We have all done selfish things.

His new love was eating at a cafe around the corner with a mutual friend (the friend is not part of the couples crowd, and she also has not turned on him) while I was with Bob. It was all kind of weird. Anyway, Bob and his new love are leaving town soon, so it was sort of a farewell gesture.

And anyone who has an issue with my having a male friend, my message to you is: stfu, you're immature and stupid.

A lot of people think men and women cannot be just friends. That's crap though. My bestest friend is a man. I've been friends with him since I was 14. I call him my "brother" because that's easier than saying "my friend" and really he is more like family at this point.

What (genuinely) concerns me about your post is they way you worded why you wont X him from your life. Because even though what he is doing is selfish, we have all done selfish things.

I see this sort of thinking a lot in drug addiction dynamics when an enabler is explaining why they wont tell the addict to kick rocks. I've had people say literally the same stuff about me before trying to "help" me with money or whatnot. My aunt was the worst. She tried so hard to be a supportive person and she is so soft hearted. She would western union you 500 bucks at 2am and not even ask a question because "we all need help sometimes".

Imagine how she would feel had I died on HER some.

I never even asked her for anything. She just knew things were bad with me and wanted to help.

I know this particular situation isnt nearly as extreme and there isnt any (at least direct) enabling. This guy is gonna do what he is gonna do regardless.

I'm just noticing some "weak boundary" reasoning here. And I'm definately not saying this to be a dick or pick on you or insult you. None of us are perfect in our dealings with other people.

What is it you get out of the friendship? Because this guy is kinda showing you that loyalies suddenly flip. Dont forget he is betraying and ditching a woman he vowed to always be there for. Out of left feild, right? You were their friend and you didnt know they had any issues, right? He just up and dropped her for someone new and did he even share this info before doing it?

You see what I'm saying? Of course we have all done selfish things. We all fuck up a lot as part of being human. How is he dealing with his selfish act is what you want to look at. He knows its selfish. He knows he is hurting people. He is doing it anyway and justifying it. That tells you he isnt just doing a selfish thing...he is full on a selfish person who doesnt value his own word and promises.

What does a person like this bring to the table for YOU? Friendships are not marriages or romantic relationships, no. But they are still relationships that impact your life. What does he offer to make your life better or influence you to be a better person? You cant trust him really. If he is willing to backstab and ditch his WIFE like that and just accept his friends ditching him for this woman...because he is thinking like a child that he deserves "happiness".....he would definately ditch or backstab you if there was something in it for him.

Be careful. This is definately someone showing you who they are. Believe me I understand where you are coming from showing this man grace and not wanting to just abandone a friend. I get that. But you have to consider what's good for YOU and chose your friendships carefully. If you dont want to cut him out, at least pull back and use caution. Try to not make excuses for what he is doing (we have all done selfish things). I know you want to be an understanding and caring friend. But from what you are telling us, does this guy deserve a friend like that and would he be as loyal to you....loyalty isnt this guys priority. His own "happiness" is.

We should all prioritize our happiness but not at the expense of other people and at the expense of our WORD.

I'm not telling you to cut him. Just keep a realistic view and respond accordingly. Dont ever put him in a position where you rely on him on any level. Dont confide in him anything you wouldnt want blasted or used against you later. He is showing you he cant be trusted and is not just doing a selfish thing....he is proceeding with the selfish thing anyway. So be careful how much influence you allow this person to have in your life.

I don't think leaving one's spouse for another equates to drug addiction. Not at all.

And, obviously, I have pulled back. I've seen him once since this happened, and he is moving an hour away. I won't be seeing him much after that. I think my view is very realistic. He knows damn well I think he did wrong. But he hasn't done anything to me. And he can't. He's not my partner. Drug addicts are a different story. They hurt everyone.

Right I said that, it's not as extreme of a situation. I was just pointing out the thinking we sometimes fall into when we want to try to be there for someone who is actively making destructive decisions. I wasnt comparing him to an addict as much as I was comparing you to enablers. And I'm not insulting you at all with that....so dont take it as an attack.

Yes he knows what he is doing is wrong and its hurting people. And he is still doing it on this loony idea that he "deserves happiness". So he showing you that he will go ahead and hurt people if he believes he will be "happy".

The friendships we have do influence and impact our lives. All I was saying is pay attention to the influence and impact he brings to your life.

I kept unhealthily friendships that I kept for years with toxic people, some based on sympathy. I care about people and that's been taken advantage of more than once. I had one friend for years who was blatant pathological liar. I felt bad for her because I knew her parents were abusive. So I was willing to "be there" for her, and I put up with some serious bullshit because of it. You reminded me of that same trap I've been in and have seen others in when you start saying things like "we have all done selfish things" and "everyone fucks up". Yes that's true, but really pay attention to HOW they treat their fuck ups.

How do you feel after a meeting or convo with him? Do you feel drained? Tired? Sad? Frustrated? What kind of vibes is he bringing?

 

[LotusBud]

Update. Bob and I had coffee yesterday. I told him, again, what I think of his shenanigans, nothing of which was good. But I also told him I will remain his friend because I don't think it's my place to judge. I can say what I believe to be true about his behavior, but I will not simply X him out of my life because he has done something selfish. We have all done selfish things.

His new love was eating at a cafe around the corner with a mutual friend (the friend is not part of the couples crowd, and she also has not turned on him) while I was with Bob. It was all kind of weird. Anyway, Bob and his new love are leaving town soon, so it was sort of a farewell gesture.

And anyone who has an issue with my having a male friend, my message to you is: stfu, you're immature and stupid.

A lot of people think men and women cannot be just friends. That's crap though. My bestest friend is a man. I've been friends with him since I was 14. I call him my "brother" because that's easier than saying "my friend" and really he is more like family at this point.

What (genuinely) concerns me about your post is they way you worded why you wont X him from your life. Because even though what he is doing is selfish, we have all done selfish things.

I see this sort of thinking a lot in drug addiction dynamics when an enabler is explaining why they wont tell the addict to kick rocks. I've had people say literally the same stuff about me before trying to "help" me with money or whatnot. My aunt was the worst. She tried so hard to be a supportive person and she is so soft hearted. She would western union you 500 bucks at 2am and not even ask a question because "we all need help sometimes".

Imagine how she would feel had I died on HER some.

I never even asked her for anything. She just knew things were bad with me and wanted to help.

I know this particular situation isnt nearly as extreme and there isnt any (at least direct) enabling. This guy is gonna do what he is gonna do regardless.

I'm just noticing some "weak boundary" reasoning here. And I'm definately not saying this to be a dick or pick on you or insult you. None of us are perfect in our dealings with other people.

What is it you get out of the friendship? Because this guy is kinda showing you that loyalies suddenly flip. Dont forget he is betraying and ditching a woman he vowed to always be there for. Out of left feild, right? You were their friend and you didnt know they had any issues, right? He just up and dropped her for someone new and did he even share this info before doing it?

You see what I'm saying? Of course we have all done selfish things. We all fuck up a lot as part of being human. How is he dealing with his selfish act is what you want to look at. He knows its selfish. He knows he is hurting people. He is doing it anyway and justifying it. That tells you he isnt just doing a selfish thing...he is full on a selfish person who doesnt value his own word and promises.

What does a person like this bring to the table for YOU? Friendships are not marriages or romantic relationships, no. But they are still relationships that impact your life. What does he offer to make your life better or influence you to be a better person? You cant trust him really. If he is willing to backstab and ditch his WIFE like that and just accept his friends ditching him for this woman...because he is thinking like a child that he deserves "happiness".....he would definately ditch or backstab you if there was something in it for him.

Be careful. This is definately someone showing you who they are. Believe me I understand where you are coming from showing this man grace and not wanting to just abandone a friend. I get that. But you have to consider what's good for YOU and chose your friendships carefully. If you dont want to cut him out, at least pull back and use caution. Try to not make excuses for what he is doing (we have all done selfish things). I know you want to be an understanding and caring friend. But from what you are telling us, does this guy deserve a friend like that and would he be as loyal to you....loyalty isnt this guys priority. His own "happiness" is.

We should all prioritize our happiness but not at the expense of other people and at the expense of our WORD.

I'm not telling you to cut him. Just keep a realistic view and respond accordingly. Dont ever put him in a position where you rely on him on any level. Dont confide in him anything you wouldnt want blasted or used against you later. He is showing you he cant be trusted and is not just doing a selfish thing....he is proceeding with the selfish thing anyway. So be careful how much influence you allow this person to have in your life.

I don't think leaving one's spouse for another equates to drug addiction. Not at all.

And, obviously, I have pulled back. I've seen him once since this happened, and he is moving an hour away. I won't be seeing him much after that. I think my view is very realistic. He knows damn well I think he did wrong. But he hasn't done anything to me. And he can't. He's not my partner. Drug addicts are a different story. They hurt everyone.

Right I said that, it's not as extreme of a situation. I was just pointing out the thinking we sometimes fall into when we want to try to be there for someone who is actively making destructive decisions. I wasnt comparing him to an addict as much as I was comparing you to enablers. And I'm not insulting you at all with that....so dont take it as an attack.

Yes he knows what he is doing is wrong and its hurting people. And he is still doing it on this loony idea that he "deserves happiness". So he showing you that he will go ahead and hurt people if he believes he will be "happy".

The friendships we have do influence and impact our lives. All I was saying is pay attention to the influence and impact he brings to your life.

I kept unhealthily friendships that I kept for years with toxic people, some based on sympathy. I care about people and that's been taken advantage of more than once. I had one friend for years who was blatant pathological liar. I felt bad for her because I knew her parents were abusive. So I was willing to "be there" for her, and I put up with some serious bullshit because of it. You reminded me of that same trap I've been in and have seen others in when you start saying things like "we have all done selfish things" and "everyone fucks up". Yes that's true, but really pay attention to HOW they treat their fuck ups.

How do you feel after a meeting or convo with him? Do you feel drained? Tired? Sad? Frustrated? What kind of vibes is he bringing?

I don't think I'm enabling him in any way. After seeing him, I felt a little sad, and I also felt like he was very aware of what he has done. He has vowed to take care of Elaine financially, and understands why people are so angry with him. It's too late to change it now, so my turning on him would accomplish what, exactly?

Like I said, we won't see each other often at all now. Maybe a couple of times a year if he turns up at group events. Who knows?

 

[Dove]

Update. Bob and I had coffee yesterday. I told him, again, what I think of his shenanigans, nothing of which was good. But I also told him I will remain his friend because I don't think it's my place to judge. I can say what I believe to be true about his behavior, but I will not simply X him out of my life because he has done something selfish. We have all done selfish things.

His new love was eating at a cafe around the corner with a mutual friend (the friend is not part of the couples crowd, and she also has not turned on him) while I was with Bob. It was all kind of weird. Anyway, Bob and his new love are leaving town soon, so it was sort of a farewell gesture.

And anyone who has an issue with my having a male friend, my message to you is: stfu, you're immature and stupid.

A lot of people think men and women cannot be just friends. That's crap though. My bestest friend is a man. I've been friends with him since I was 14. I call him my "brother" because that's easier than saying "my friend" and really he is more like family at this point.

What (genuinely) concerns me about your post is they way you worded why you wont X him from your life. Because even though what he is doing is selfish, we have all done selfish things.

I see this sort of thinking a lot in drug addiction dynamics when an enabler is explaining why they wont tell the addict to kick rocks. I've had people say literally the same stuff about me before trying to "help" me with money or whatnot. My aunt was the worst. She tried so hard to be a supportive person and she is so soft hearted. She would western union you 500 bucks at 2am and not even ask a question because "we all need help sometimes".

Imagine how she would feel had I died on HER some.

I never even asked her for anything. She just knew things were bad with me and wanted to help.

I know this particular situation isnt nearly as extreme and there isnt any (at least direct) enabling. This guy is gonna do what he is gonna do regardless.

I'm just noticing some "weak boundary" reasoning here. And I'm definately not saying this to be a dick or pick on you or insult you. None of us are perfect in our dealings with other people.

What is it you get out of the friendship? Because this guy is kinda showing you that loyalies suddenly flip. Dont forget he is betraying and ditching a woman he vowed to always be there for. Out of left feild, right? You were their friend and you didnt know they had any issues, right? He just up and dropped her for someone new and did he even share this info before doing it?

You see what I'm saying? Of course we have all done selfish things. We all fuck up a lot as part of being human. How is he dealing with his selfish act is what you want to look at. He knows its selfish. He knows he is hurting people. He is doing it anyway and justifying it. That tells you he isnt just doing a selfish thing...he is full on a selfish person who doesnt value his own word and promises.

What does a person like this bring to the table for YOU? Friendships are not marriages or romantic relationships, no. But they are still relationships that impact your life. What does he offer to make your life better or influence you to be a better person? You cant trust him really. If he is willing to backstab and ditch his WIFE like that and just accept his friends ditching him for this woman...because he is thinking like a child that he deserves "happiness".....he would definately ditch or backstab you if there was something in it for him.

Be careful. This is definately someone showing you who they are. Believe me I understand where you are coming from showing this man grace and not wanting to just abandone a friend. I get that. But you have to consider what's good for YOU and chose your friendships carefully. If you dont want to cut him out, at least pull back and use caution. Try to not make excuses for what he is doing (we have all done selfish things). I know you want to be an understanding and caring friend. But from what you are telling us, does this guy deserve a friend like that and would he be as loyal to you....loyalty isnt this guys priority. His own "happiness" is.

We should all prioritize our happiness but not at the expense of other people and at the expense of our WORD.

I'm not telling you to cut him. Just keep a realistic view and respond accordingly. Dont ever put him in a position where you rely on him on any level. Dont confide in him anything you wouldnt want blasted or used against you later. He is showing you he cant be trusted and is not just doing a selfish thing....he is proceeding with the selfish thing anyway. So be careful how much influence you allow this person to have in your life.

I don't think leaving one's spouse for another equates to drug addiction. Not at all.

And, obviously, I have pulled back. I've seen him once since this happened, and he is moving an hour away. I won't be seeing him much after that. I think my view is very realistic. He knows damn well I think he did wrong. But he hasn't done anything to me. And he can't. He's not my partner. Drug addicts are a different story. They hurt everyone.

Right I said that, it's not as extreme of a situation. I was just pointing out the thinking we sometimes fall into when we want to try to be there for someone who is actively making destructive decisions. I wasnt comparing him to an addict as much as I was comparing you to enablers. And I'm not insulting you at all with that....so dont take it as an attack.

Yes he knows what he is doing is wrong and its hurting people. And he is still doing it on this loony idea that he "deserves happiness". So he showing you that he will go ahead and hurt people if he believes he will be "happy".

The friendships we have do influence and impact our lives. All I was saying is pay attention to the influence and impact he brings to your life.

I kept unhealthily friendships that I kept for years with toxic people, some based on sympathy. I care about people and that's been taken advantage of more than once. I had one friend for years who was blatant pathological liar. I felt bad for her because I knew her parents were abusive. So I was willing to "be there" for her, and I put up with some serious bullshit because of it. You reminded me of that same trap I've been in and have seen others in when you start saying things like "we have all done selfish things" and "everyone fucks up". Yes that's true, but really pay attention to HOW they treat their fuck ups.

How do you feel after a meeting or convo with him? Do you feel drained? Tired? Sad? Frustrated? What kind of vibes is he bringing?

I don't think I'm enabling him in any way. After seeing him, I felt a little sad, and I also felt like he was very aware of what he has done. He has vowed to take care of Elaine financially, and understands why people are so angry with him. It's too late to change it now, so my turning on him would accomplish what, exactly?

Like I said, we won't see each other often at all now. Maybe a couple of times a year if he turns up at group events. Who knows?

I was more warning you of staying involved in a friendship that drains you emotionally and doesnt bring much to the table as far as mutual trust and support.

It's sad he is determined to do something that could be so destructive to his life.

Only 4 months? And surely this other woman knew he was married and sees for herself how fast he dips on commitment. Jeez I dont get it.

Exit affairs are almost always a toxic mess that never last more than a year once the married person leaves the spouse and the reality sets in.

This woman shits, complains, gets sick and has morning breath just like everyone else. Once people realize that shiney new and exciting romance ends up just like every other relationship, that's when the resentment and self loathing rear up. He will likely resent this new woman for her association with the demise of his marriage and how she reminds him of something he is ashamed of.

 

[The Prowler]

Update. Bob and I had coffee yesterday. I told him, again, what I think of his shenanigans, nothing of which was good. But I also told him I will remain his friend because I don't think it's my place to judge. I can say what I believe to be true about his behavior, but I will not simply X him out of my life because he has done something selfish. We have all done selfish things.

His new love was eating at a cafe around the corner with a mutual friend (the friend is not part of the couples crowd, and she also has not turned on him) while I was with Bob. It was all kind of weird. Anyway, Bob and his new love are leaving town soon, so it was sort of a farewell gesture.

And anyone who has an issue with my having a male friend, my message to you is: stfu, you're immature and stupid.

Shut up, Homewrecker.

 

[LotusBud]

New bit in the Bob saga. I saw a friend who moved away and doesn't hang out with any of the Bob crowd anymore. I told her Bob left Elaine, and before I told her why, she said, "Oh, did he finally come out as gay?"

Yeah. I think my first instinct was right. I think he's deeply closeted.

 

[Dove]

New bit in the Bob saga. I saw a friend who moved away and doesn't hang out with any of the Bob crowd anymore. I told her Bob left Elaine, and before I told her why, she said, "Oh, did he finally come out as gay?"

Yeah. I think my first instinct was right. I think he's deeply closeted.

He should just come out than and stop playing with womens emotions.

Damn. Its 2022 ffs.

 

[Frood]

I'm sorry but any leftist rendered judgement is suspect. Bob is just as likely to be a hetero man who got jack of his leftist life and wanted to flee.

...and if that's the case, may the afterlife bless him and keep him safe.

 

[The Prowler]

New bit in the Bob saga. I saw a friend who moved away and doesn't hang out with any of the Bob crowd anymore. I told her Bob left Elaine, and before I told her why, she said, "Oh, did he finally come out as gay?"

Yeah. I think my first instinct was right. I think he's deeply closeted.

Bunch of Yentas.

So this guy was attracted to LettuceBrain the Homewrecker because he likes dudes or dude-like broads.

Now it makes sense.

 

[Lily]

New bit in the Bob saga. I saw a friend who moved away and doesn't hang out with any of the Bob crowd anymore. I told her Bob left Elaine, and before I told her why, she said, "Oh, did he finally come out as gay?"

Yeah. I think my first instinct was right. I think he's deeply closeted.

Bunch of Yentas.

So this guy was attracted to LettuceBrain the Homewrecker because he likes dudes or dude-like broads.

Now it makes sense.

Better hide your wife in that case, buddy.

 

[The Prowler]

Better hide your wife in that case, buddy.

The Leaker is threatened by other women.

 

[Frood]

New bit in the Bob saga. I saw a friend who moved away and doesn't hang out with any of the Bob crowd anymore. I told her Bob left Elaine, and before I told her why, she said, "Oh, did he finally come out as gay?"

Yeah. I think my first instinct was right. I think he's deeply closeted.

Bunch of Yentas.

So this guy was attracted to LettuceBrain the Homewrecker because he likes dudes or dude-like broads.

Now it makes sense.

Better hide your wife in that case, buddy.

You threatening to eat her? Wut?

 

[Biggie Smiles]

New bit in the Bob saga. I saw a friend who moved away and doesn't hang out with any of the Bob crowd anymore. I told her Bob left Elaine, and before I told her why, she said, "Oh, did he finally come out as gay?"

Yeah. I think my first instinct was right. I think he's deeply closeted.

B.O.B is short for battery operated boyfriend in certain circles you know

is this whole story a cover for something a bit more, how shall we say? A bit rubbery?

 

[Frood]

Locustbug is definitely the fire hydrant fucking type...

She'd stretch those pissflaps right around it like a trapper's frame then proceed to ride it like a unicycle.

 

[Murdy]

But, any thoughts? Are my friends going to turn on me for trying to be Switzerland?

You are a Drama Queen cunt and people were surely starting to realize it at this point:

I told everyone I know, No fucking way.

A wife is feeling vulnerable and insecure and you go talking to everyone you know about it?

What a fuckin' asshole.

If Lotus knew the wife was jealous.. it’s because the wife was talking about it. She went to the group to share her side and to prove to everyone she wasn’t interested in him.

DUH

 

[The Prowler]

If Lotus knew the wife was jealous.. it’s because the wife was talking about it. She went to the group to share her side and to prove to everyone she wasn’t interested in him.

DUH

And these fucktards wonder why their lives are filled with conflict and drama.

 

[Murdy]

If Lotus knew the wife was jealous.. it’s because the wife was talking about it. She went to the group to share her side and to prove to everyone she wasn’t interested in him.

DUH

And these fucktards wonder why their lives are filled with conflict and drama.

He was having an affair and his wife felt it and accused the wrong woman.

Unfortunately, friends are a casualty claimed in the divorce settlement.