Ok, she didn't leave and we are not getting divorced. I am still left at a lose of what to do about a disobeatent teenager. I admit I over reacted to a17 year who challenged my authority when I shouldn't have done so. I am still new at this parenting teens shit. It is all so very frustrating to me.
It's easy to fall into a power struggle.....but once you do fall into that with a teen, you just find yourself grasping and doing/saying things you regret later. And none of it has any good impact.
Do you want him to just do this to appease you, or do you want him to do it because he respects his mother and sees the value of family sitting down to a meal together?
Have you tried talking to him human to human? This is a good opportunity to teach him how to effectively deal with conflict. Reasoning and compromise while still respecting boundaries are very important relationship skills.
The power struggle never works, honestly. They may behave the way you want....but resentments and self centeredness are breeding and they are not learning anything.
Think about the people you respect and why you respect them, and be respectable. Forced compliance doesnt foster genuine respect. Also....while you want some basic respect for the ways you support this kid, who is seemingly spitting on that support....you really dont want him to learn that if someone is providing a need he has, that he is obligated to follow through with what that person wants. It's totally valid for you to want respect and gratitude, and you do deserve that....but you dont want to lay a frame work for a sinister person to be able to manipulate and take advantage of him later on.
Sometimes what we mean to communicate and what actually gets communicated are very different things.
I know its hard.....I have two teenage girls. Trying to guide teenagers can really expose things about ourselves that we need to work on, for sure.
One thing I learned raising my own brood is that kids/teens are not bad and shitty for the pure fuck of it. There is always a reason. In them burns a very strong desire to please and be accepted. When they act out, there is always a reason and kids/teens dont really always have the insight or vocabulary to communicate it. So.....their behavior becomes preverse. Even if it's a stupid reason for us... they dont have the maturity to cope like we do. They learn how to do that from us.
If this is an ongoing problem between you and your step son locking horns in a power struggle, perhaps family counseling could help? At least to get both your horns unlocked and get you guys dealing productively with whatever conflict is behind this? Because this can interrupt the harmony in the home and drive a huge wedge into your relationship with your step son AND your marriage.
You know what helps? I've been having weekly family meetings for years. Since my girls were little. Every Sunday evening after the dinner mess gets cleaned. Basically we all go sit in the living room, start off with prayer(if your home prays)...then everyone shares something good that happened over the week(can be anything from an accomplishment to just something funny) and then sharing a goal they have for the new week(I think it's important to get them setting goals regularly) and thinking of ways to meet that goal.
Then we start discussing any conflicts or grievances within the household. This is good for many reasons, it helps get problems solved early on, teaches respectful communication and helps keep everyone expectations reasonable. Sometimes we need to involve an object and whoever has that object(we a use a owl figurine) gets to speak uninterrupted and passes it to the next person to speak. The important part here is resolving conflict and minding/setting healthy boundaries. It should be a safe time to connect and communicate and validate and encourage one another.(obviously if you and your wife are having serious marital conflict....the family circle is NOT the place for that.... you have to always be a United front. Express minor conflicts with eachother such as "I dont understand why you dont put your dirty clothes in the hamper and it makes me feel frustrated'.....teach the "I" and "me".....not so much "you you you".....that always puts people on a defensive. "I" "me" statements foster more thoughtful responses. Oh and the difference between "reacting/responding" is important here as well)
I know this all sounds cheesy as fuck, almost sitcomish.....but all of us swear by it. Once you've been doing it for a while it really starts to work. And you can see the results in how the home flows every week. It really fosters a lot of trust and peace in the home.
You HAVE to make expectations clear and reasonable and set the consequence ahead of time.....and know how to accept when the kid has CHOSEN the consequence. No power struggle. No fighting. Just a "you knew if you did this, this would happen. Now you have to face the consequence". How they respond to that is their choice, let them chose it. If they want to scream and cry and yell? Leave the situation. Punch a hole in the wall? Well....let them fix it when they cool down. But DONT enter into the meltdown with them. You have to stay cool, calm and rational.
When the situation calms down, use those "I" "me" statements to tell them how you feel about it, and point out good qualities that kid has and guide the conversation to get HIM to consider how he can make better decisions going forward.
Bleh.....that's a lot to address in an internet post lol. No matter what you do, dont expect immediate results...it takes time and consistency and no human is ever perfect.
