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Yes is was.
Jokes thread
- Thread starter Longinus
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Oh. In that case, nah, dude totally doinked the joke.
But I have one. And this one is of my own invention, too.
A young guy named Bob moves from Manhattan to Pig Knuckle, Tennessee. He's in total culture shock. Well, he stops in at the local watering hole, orders his drink, but just keeps to himself. Everybody can tell he's tense and nervous in a new environment, so one of the good ol' boys, Billy-Ray, takes a stool next to the city boy and starts up a conversation. Pretty soon, Bob has relaxed a little. He tells Billy-Ray about the big city, and Billy-Ray says, "Hey, man, we ain't so differ'nt down here. Shyeeit, I tell you hwut -- I got me three girlfriends. And they all live with me out on mah farm. And naw, ain't none of 'em kin!" Well, this gets a laugh out of Bob.
Then Billy-Ray says, "Hey -- you wanna meet 'em?" Well, hell, it's good to have a friend in unfamiliar territory, so Bob agrees and they drive on over to Billy-Ray's place. Turns out it's a pretty good sized farm. House is old as hell, but it's in pretty good shape. As they pull up, Billy-Ray honks his horn. Well, when Billy-Ray and Bob get to the front door, a woman opens it. She's just smiling ear to ear to see ol' Billy-Ray. Bob takes in an eye full of the woman and she's, well... kinda unfortunate lookin'. About 6'3 but weighs maybe 90 pounds soakin' wet. Hair all dirty and scraggly. Fact of the matter is, it looks like somebody taught a mop to stand upright and walk around.
Billy-Ray says to Bob, "This here's mah girl I nicknamed Corona!" Well, Bob is trying to just sort of wrap his head around what he's seeing. He says, fishing for a nice thing to say about the woman, "Is it because she's bright and warm like the sun?" Well, ol' Billy-Ray, he chuckles as he leads Bob into the house and as the woman goes back toward the kitchen, leans over and says quiet-like, "Naw, man. It's 'cause I drank about a case of Corona 'fore I hooked up with her."
Well, after a while, Billy-Ray and Bob are sitting in the living room drinking beer while Billy-Ray tells Bob more about the town. Just then, the bedroom door opens and out comes another naked woman. This one's about the opposite of poor Corona. Short, a bit -- shall we say -- generously proportioned all over. Thin hair, the beginnings of a pretty creditable mustache, and a disposition so innately foul that a rattler wouldn't bite her on a dare. Ol' Billy-Ray, he perks up considerably and says, just about proud enough to bust, "Hey, man! I want you to meet mah girl I nicknamed Rose!" Well, Rose, she makes a sound like "Hmphrrrrawrgmn!" and stomps off toward the kitchen.
After a second to let the color come back into his face, Bob leans over and asks, "Did you nickname her that 'cause she's delicate like a rose?" His mind is a little scrambled trying to get around a pretty name like that for such a... well, for Billy-Ray's girlfriend. Billy-Ray slaps a knee laughin' and answers back just as quiet, "Hell naw, man! I nicknamed her that 'cause I was blackout drunk on Four Roses when I hooked up with 'er!"
Well, about ten more minutes go by, with poor Bob trying to just get his mind right. Then, from waaaaa-a-a-aaay at the back of the old farmhouse, the two men hear a sound. And it's a sound you don't ever have to have set foot in an old farmhouse to recognize. Anybody who's ever watched a certain genre of '80s movies knows this sound: it was the sound of a cellar door slowly, slowly, crrrrreeeeaaaaking open...
Ol' Billy-Ray, he's just as excited as can be. He jumps up and lets out a whoop of joy and pride and says, "Whoooo-EEE! Yer in fer a treat now, boy! Here comes Turpentine!"
But I have one. And this one is of my own invention, too.
A young guy named Bob moves from Manhattan to Pig Knuckle, Tennessee. He's in total culture shock. Well, he stops in at the local watering hole, orders his drink, but just keeps to himself. Everybody can tell he's tense and nervous in a new environment, so one of the good ol' boys, Billy-Ray, takes a stool next to the city boy and starts up a conversation. Pretty soon, Bob has relaxed a little. He tells Billy-Ray about the big city, and Billy-Ray says, "Hey, man, we ain't so differ'nt down here. Shyeeit, I tell you hwut -- I got me three girlfriends. And they all live with me out on mah farm. And naw, ain't none of 'em kin!" Well, this gets a laugh out of Bob.
Then Billy-Ray says, "Hey -- you wanna meet 'em?" Well, hell, it's good to have a friend in unfamiliar territory, so Bob agrees and they drive on over to Billy-Ray's place. Turns out it's a pretty good sized farm. House is old as hell, but it's in pretty good shape. As they pull up, Billy-Ray honks his horn. Well, when Billy-Ray and Bob get to the front door, a woman opens it. She's just smiling ear to ear to see ol' Billy-Ray. Bob takes in an eye full of the woman and she's, well... kinda unfortunate lookin'. About 6'3 but weighs maybe 90 pounds soakin' wet. Hair all dirty and scraggly. Fact of the matter is, it looks like somebody taught a mop to stand upright and walk around.
Billy-Ray says to Bob, "This here's mah girl I nicknamed Corona!" Well, Bob is trying to just sort of wrap his head around what he's seeing. He says, fishing for a nice thing to say about the woman, "Is it because she's bright and warm like the sun?" Well, ol' Billy-Ray, he chuckles as he leads Bob into the house and as the woman goes back toward the kitchen, leans over and says quiet-like, "Naw, man. It's 'cause I drank about a case of Corona 'fore I hooked up with her."
Well, after a while, Billy-Ray and Bob are sitting in the living room drinking beer while Billy-Ray tells Bob more about the town. Just then, the bedroom door opens and out comes another naked woman. This one's about the opposite of poor Corona. Short, a bit -- shall we say -- generously proportioned all over. Thin hair, the beginnings of a pretty creditable mustache, and a disposition so innately foul that a rattler wouldn't bite her on a dare. Ol' Billy-Ray, he perks up considerably and says, just about proud enough to bust, "Hey, man! I want you to meet mah girl I nicknamed Rose!" Well, Rose, she makes a sound like "Hmphrrrrawrgmn!" and stomps off toward the kitchen.
After a second to let the color come back into his face, Bob leans over and asks, "Did you nickname her that 'cause she's delicate like a rose?" His mind is a little scrambled trying to get around a pretty name like that for such a... well, for Billy-Ray's girlfriend. Billy-Ray slaps a knee laughin' and answers back just as quiet, "Hell naw, man! I nicknamed her that 'cause I was blackout drunk on Four Roses when I hooked up with 'er!"
Well, about ten more minutes go by, with poor Bob trying to just get his mind right. Then, from waaaaa-a-a-aaay at the back of the old farmhouse, the two men hear a sound. And it's a sound you don't ever have to have set foot in an old farmhouse to recognize. Anybody who's ever watched a certain genre of '80s movies knows this sound: it was the sound of a cellar door slowly, slowly, crrrrreeeeaaaaking open...
Ol' Billy-Ray, he's just as excited as can be. He jumps up and lets out a whoop of joy and pride and says, "Whoooo-EEE! Yer in fer a treat now, boy! Here comes Turpentine!"
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One of my friends is always talking about overthrowing capitalism in a very violent revolution.
Could this be a red flag?
Could this be a red flag?
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Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the carrier. Due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear
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A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along @ 800km/hr. @ 33000ft when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
The F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”
He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling at almost sea level.
The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
I just got a blow job from some homo fag while my co pilot fuck him in the ass and said his name is knife wielder and that he hates cops- - - - - - - -
..."Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway."...
The F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”
He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling at almost sea level.
The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
I just got a blow job from some homo fag while my co pilot fuck him in the ass and said his name is knife wielder and that he hates cops- - - - - - - -
..."Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway."...
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The lawyers question to her was when he asked her what the answer to her question was
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"Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.
Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.
Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore." "
Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.
Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore." "
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What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste
The taste
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NEWS - HARLEY DAVIDSON SPEAKS TO DECLINING BIKE SALES
The reasons for the slump in sales at HD are not President Trump's fault.
Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
[the end]
The reasons for the slump in sales at HD are not President Trump's fault.
Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
[the end]
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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say.".
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell.""Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say.".
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell.""Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
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For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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