Things you don't miss?

[Biggie Smiles]

Anyone on my ignore list.

 

[Frood]

Same same

 

[Biggie Smiles]

All the green audio vacaroos that now have Xs on them thanks to the fine work of @Aylana

 

[Dove]

Murd calling me drunk to either cry about Trayvon Martin or talk nonstop about the strange male she fucked.

 

[Alticus]

Drinking

 

[Breakfall]

Smoking permitted on aeroplanes..

 

[Biggie Smiles]

Smoking permitted on aeroplanes..

I honestly cannot believe how they ever allowed that

 

[Seamajor]

Smokers anywhere

 

[X]

Smokers anywhere

yeh, that's a good one

 

[Cookie Monster]

Smoking anything other than weed.

 

[Lily]

Commuting in traffic.

 

[Admin.]

The OP.

:Ignore 3:

lulz!

 

[Dove]

I don't miss negativity. Living with someone who was always negative about everything and would be an asshole.

My bf doesn't care if his pillows or blanket touch his floor. Everytime I see a pillow on the floor my anxiety tweeks a bit. It's because my ex was very VERY intense about that. If the corner of the blanket was touching the floor he would go off for ten...15 minutes about it and why I don't care and all kinds of bitching. I had to always be careful changing sheets if he was around because if anything touched the floor he threw a fit.

I didn't even realize this had given me a problem where now if I see a blanket or pillow on the ground I'm waiting to get yelled at. I told my BF this when we were changing the sheets and he just hugged me.

I don't miss that serial killer level fussy shit at all.

 

[AnnaConda]

watching my former boss bitch out coworkers like she was better than them and everyone else.

 

[Lily]

I don't miss negativity. Living with someone who was always negative about everything and would be an asshole.

My bf doesn't care if his pillows or blanket touch his floor. Everytime I see a pillow on the floor my anxiety tweeks a bit. It's because my ex was very VERY intense about that. If the corner of the blanket was touching the floor he would go off for ten...15 minutes about it and why I don't care and all kinds of bitching. I had to always be careful changing sheets if he was around because if anything touched the floor he threw a fit.

I didn't even realize this had given me a problem where now if I see a blanket or pillow on the ground I'm waiting to get yelled at. I told my BF this when we were changing the sheets and he just hugged me.

I don't miss that serial killer level fussy shit at all.

That kind of shit needs to be nipped in the bud. We are wives, gfs, lovers, etc. We're not employees, maids or slaves.

I am accommodating and happily do things for my loved ones. But no f'ing way am I putting up with a man that scolds me for shit he can do his own damn self. No way, no how.

The second I got that kind of thing, I was like is there something wrong with you that you can't do that?

Uh -uh!

 

[Dove]

That kind of shit needs to be nipped in the bud. We are wives, gfs, lovers, etc. We're not employees, maids or slaves.

I am accommodating and happily do things for my loved ones. But no f'ing way am I putting up with a man that scolds me for shit he can do his own damn self. No way, no how.

The second I got that kind of thing, I was like is there something wrong with you that you can't do that?

Uh -uh!

I honestly didn't even realize what a problem this really was until I was picking pillows up off my BFs bedroom floor and he was laying on the bed....and I felt tense like he was gonna start bitching.

Which is weird, because I've known this man for almost 30 years and he NEVER bitches like that. He has NEVER berated me. Ever. And yet I was all stressed about the pillows feeling like I let him down somehow.

He thought it was funny and then I told him about how my ex acted about that and he said "Omg sweetie" and hugged me. Then he threw pillows on the floor and made me leave them there lol.

I do NOT miss the bitching living with a bitchy man.

 

[Dove]

I'm a lot like you just described. I'll happily do things for my loved ones. But this sheet and pillow thing was me just changing sheets or a pillow would fall on the floor or the blanket would be touching the floor and he would berate me about it. Like how I don't care and I don't respect him and all that. It was never conscious. Shit happens. But he fussed about that a lot. Scolding me for shit I'm not even intentionally doing or because I didnt make sure it wasn't touching the ground.

I've slept on the couch for the past 7 years....I didn't even share the bed with him.

 

[Lily]

Nope, not gonna have it. They are my equal in the relationship or there isn't one.

That's why at 39, the woman in me said...oh hell no. Not going to do this shit. It was constant pushing back at the cultural norms of my ex-husband and gender roles.

 

[Lily]

've slept on the couch for the past 7 years....I didn't even share the bed with him.

So, when you tried trolling me about my bad sex life, it was you all along. I knew it.

 

[Dove]

Nope, not gonna have it. They are my equal in the relationship or there isn't one.

That's why at 39, thewoman in me said...oh hell no. Not going to do this shit. It was constant pushing back at the cultural norms of my ex-husband and gender roles.

I really don't mind the gender roles and I'll happily fill that role but the lack of appreciation and respect....the bitching and scolding...no.

I need to feel loved and safe to really step into that traditional gender role with a man and let's be honest.....not a whole lot of men out there deserve that level of trust and submission.

My ex would demand I submit to him. I would have LOVED to do. If I actually trusted his fucking decision making and knew it wasn't his mother speaking through him. If you want a woman to submit to your leadership and be in that role and energy... you have to be a man worthy of it.

Funny how they love that Bible verse about how women must submit to their husband but they never seem to get the part about how the husband's must love their wives to the point of dying for her.

 

[Dove]

So, when you tried trolling me about my bad sex life, it was you all along. I knew it.

I didn't even HAVE a sex life. So I can't say it was bad either.

I just didn't want to be intimate with him. I would get a lot of anxiety about it.

Honestly I was gonna get a night job and get a second car or a Skoolie or RV and leave, divorce and embark on a celibate single life.

 

[Lily]

I really don't mind the gender roles and I'll happily fill that role but the lack of appreciation and respect....the bitching and scolding...no.

I need to feel loved and safe to really step into that traditional gender role with a man and let's be honest.....not a whole lot of men out there deserve that level of trust and submission.

My ex would demand I submit to him. I would have LOVED to do. If I actually trusted his fucking decision making and knew it wasn't his mother speaking through him. If you want a woman to submit to your leadership and be in that role and energy... you have to be a man worthy of it.

Funny how they love that Bible verse about how women must submit to their husband but they never seem to get the part about how the husband's must love their wives to the point of dying for her.

I have no interest in submitting outside of certain functions that suit my needs. I don't believe in submission. That is some Islam level shit...fuuuuck that.

 

[Lily]

I didn't even HAVE a sex life. So I can't say it was bad either.

I just didn't want to be intimate with him. I would get a lot of anxiety about it.

Well, it's not a sign of a healthy relationship.

I can't say that I have any complaints.

 

[Dove]

I have no interest in submitting outside of certain functions that suit my needs. I don't believe in submission. That is some Islam level shit...fuuuuck that.

When you have a proper male at the head it doesn't feel like submission.

So I hear, of course. I guess I can say I submit plenty to my now BF but really I just trust his decision making and he always discusses things with me. Even when we were just friends he would call me up ot text me to talk through some decision he was making.

He would never make me do anything I didn't want to do. My ex came over here a few times trying to get my BF to "talk to" me....meaning....get me to do something I don't want to do. And of course that didn't happen because my BF is not a manipulative shit heel and he respects my feelings and boundaries.

He would tell me though "your husband was over here and wants me to talk to you about such and such....figured you should know" and I always felt embarrassed.

You know there is a man out there who communicates more effectively with your wife than you do. And instead of looking at that and trying to communicate better....just hit up that man and use it to get me on board with shit I don't want. Awesome.

 

[Dove]

Well, it's not a sign of a healthy relationship.

I can't say that I have any complaints.

It's a sign of not having a relationship. There was no intimate relationship. I was room mating with a guy I dated once. That's how it felt.

Someone I trauma bonded with because of a drug addiction.

I have no complaints anymore. I didn't really complain then either its just how it was.

 

[Lily]

When you have a proper male at the head it doesn't feel like submission.

So I hear, of course. I guess I can say I submit plenty to my now BF but really I just trust his decision making and he always discusses things with me. Even when we were just friends he would call me up ot text me to talk through some decision he was making.

He would never make me do anything I didn't want to do. My ex came over here a few times trying to get my BF to "talk to" me....meaning....get me to do something I don't want to do. And of course that didn't happen because my BF is not a manipulative shit heel and he respects my feelings and boundaries.

He would tell me though "your husband was over here and wants me to talk to you about such and such....figured you should know" and I always felt embarrassed.

You know there is a man out there who communicates more effectively with your wife than you do. And instead of looking at that and trying to communicate better....just hit up that man and use it to get me on board with shit I don't want. Awesome.

You chose all these men that you now speak badly of in your life. Where's the ownership?

 

[Dove]

You chose all these men that you now speak badly of in your life. Where's the ownership?

Where it belongs. And not on a thread about things we don't miss.

I stated shit I don't miss. This isn't the proper topic to go into the mental and emotional issues as to why people chose poor partners, is it?

I don't have to own someone else's behavior...or discuss my own issues, to state what I do not miss dealing with everyday. Why would you even ask that here? Start a new topic about relational diafunction and what makes people chose badly...and people will respond if they want.

 

[Lily]

Where it belongs. And not on a thread about things we don't miss.

I stated shit I don't miss. This isn't the proper topic to go into the mental and emotional issues as to why people chose poor partners, is it?

I don't have to own someone else's behavior...or discuss my own issues, to state what I do not miss dealing with everyday. Why would you even ask that here? Start a new topic about relational diafunction and what makes people chose badly...and people will respond if they want.

None of these threads stay exactly on topic, so it seems you're deflecting. I think it's a fair question and one I asked myself after 2 long term partnerships out of 3.

In 30+ years there have been 3. After two unsatisfactory relationships, I told myself, what those two men have in common is ME, I chose them.

Therefore, the third and probably final relationship is it. I made different choices, but not before I held my feet to the fire.

 

[Dove]

None of these threads stay exactly on topic, so it seems you're deflecting. I think it's a fair question and one I asked myself after 2 long term partnerships out of 3.

In 30+ years there have been 3. After two unsatisfactory relationships, I told myself, what those two men have in common is ME, I chose them.

Therefore, the third and probably final relationship is it. I made different choices, but not before I held my feet to the fire.

True but that's a heavier discussion don't you think?

I have severe abandonment issues and my mother is emotionally and mentally abusive. She left me A LOT. I was raised by my grandmother and didn't meet me father until I was 17. We had a good relationship by the time he passed though which I'm grateful for.

I have a tendency towards men who I feel I can help who won't leave. A fixer. Like a refurbished man. I also tend to settle and chose men who are crazy over me who i dont have strong feelings for so if they do leave it wont hurt as bad. This was never conscious. I know its dumb. I had very low self esteem. I never stayed anyone I had strong feelings for. Like my bf. We dated for like 7 months when I was 19 and I broke up with him because I was in love with him and felt like I would never be good enough and when he realizes that and I fall off that pedestal he held me on, he would leave me and I'd never get over it.

I have a whole heap of issues as to why I ended up chosing awful partners.

My ex that I married, when I met him I wasn't looking for any serious relationship. I ended up going through a drug addiction with him and had it in my head he helped me. Like he kept me safe. During my first year in the mission (and the first years of recovery)....they put us in marriage counseling and were really big on marriage. I don't think anyone should make ANY life altering decisions during that first year. Everyone was really saying what a good idea it would be. Marriage and family are godly and right. He was there having dinner with me every night. Bringing stuff to me. He stayed there and waited. I decided if my counselors and pastor felt it was best than I should do it. I didn't trust myself that first year. I'm also a big people pleaser.....something I've worked on for a while now.

Since then I really have tried to love him and build a marriage and relationship with him. Many times I felt banished to it. I poured myself into work and motherhood. I really didn't want another divorce so I tried to work with it.

And it isn't that he is a terrible person. He isn't a terrible person. But he is VERY self obsessed. He is very emotionally immature and manipulative. His mother controls his life and he allows it. That's a big part of the reason I wanted to move far after I decided to withdraw my divorce filing and give it a try. I also was taught to marry someone who loves you more than you love him. It's "safer"

Lots of therapy helped me unpack a lot of this. I have no issue taking responsibility for my end of things and I should not have gotten married. I tried my hardest and was more depressed than I even realized.

He married me to have another mom. I married him because I deluded myself thinking he loved me and helped me and isn't likely to leave so I can make a marriage out of that and my kids will have a better home with 2 parents. I stuck around for 5 years knowing this and still trying but he is a brick wall and I felt so alone in that. I spent the last 2 years emotionally and mentally leaning on my best friend (and him me) exclusively.

My plan was to just remain single and celibate after divorce(I was considering divorce before we even moved) because even though I know what my problems are....it still impacts me and my decision making. It still causes anxiety and stress for me. And i really am not interested at all in getting to know anyone new and all the shit heels on the dating scene today. There are predators put there who target single moms even. The only reason I went back on this is because of who this man is to me (bf) and I never thought he ever felt anything for me and saw me as his goofy and messy best friend. Turns out I was very wrong and he has loved me deeply for many years. And he planned to propose to me 20 years ago. ..and I dumped him and married a complete fucking tool. And I couldn't give him(bf) up completely either so I kept him as a friend.

Because.....insecurity and abandonment issues.

Understanding my avoidant and anxious attachment style helped a lot. I work on this and right now addressing it is super easy because I'm retarded in love so all of my emotional issues rear their ugly head. The difference is? This is my best friend of 28 years and I can and do talk to him about everything.

 

[wizer]

We all make mistakes in relationships, the people we choose to be with, and how long we stay with those people.

Of course there's shared blame, the key is to not repeat our own mistakes the next time around.

I'm at the point in my life where I say to myself if this one doesn't make it, then I'm done.

But I know that in reality I'll give it 24 hours and be back on Tinder.