From FT archives, Stan parody/KM flame...
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray
Put your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad
It's not so bad (Dido)
King Martini, I posted but you still ain't responding
I read all your flames, thought we were bonding
I gave your last post two "likes", you must not have seen'em
Sometimes I misquote, perhaps you missed what I wrote
But anyway, shit, what's been up?
Man how's your Fortnite scores?
My girlfriend is imaginary too, you know what I'm gonna call her?
I'ma name her Bambi the Whore.
I read about your date with Dovey and the Nintendo Switch
Holding your favorite toy over the toilet like that, what a bitch
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even ordered the King Martini coffee mug, hope it's not a scam
Some guy said you sent him a broken cup, I know he's lying man
I got all your podcasts, even the ones that really suck
When you beat those Cuntwranglers, I was awestruck
I loved the flame you pre wrote last month, that shit was fat
Anyways, reply to my post, hit me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan
The flame forums are boring I'm wondering why I
Get out of bed at all
The mouth breathers steam up my windows
And I can't see at all
And even if I could, it's all fag lames
Put everyone on ignore
It reminds me, that it's so dam bad
It's so dam bad
Dear King Martini, you still ain't replied, acknowledge me if you can
I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans
If you didn't want to talk to me at the Bastard Factory
You didn't have to, but why were you responding to Flea?
I don't wanna be mean, she's nothing but a fag hag queen
You see, I was logged in for 8 hours straight
How long do you expect me to wait?
Fuck, you had over fifty posts, but not one to me
The guy who appreciates you the most
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein' lied to
Remember when we met at the Blue Cashew,
You said if I laughed at your flames, I could expect a call from you
See I'm just like you in a way
I work at Arby's for low pay
Your bathroom is a big mess, I can relate
When I have a shitty day, I drift away and masturbate
'Cause I don't got shit else to do all day and fappin helps when I'm depressed
I even got a bad tattoo of your face on my chest
See everything you say is real, and I respect you 'cause you tell it
So what if it's nothing but steaming bullshit
My imaginary girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
I don't yell her name during sex, instead I scream "Kevin".
But she don't know you like I know you KM, no one does
Because you are by far this forums number one star
You gotta call me man
I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan
P.S. we should get together, Bambi, Baye, me and you
Our invisible girlfriends are people too
My cereal's no longer cold, wondering why
I'm reading all this boring drama and PI
This shit makes no sense at all
Wanna bang my head against the wall
It reminds me, that it's not so Chad
It's not so Chad
Dear Mister "I'm too big a Flame Icon to reply to my fans"
This will be my last post I will ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no replies, I don't deserve this diss
How could you miss the nine thousand laughing emotes I gave you
So, here is my podcast I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in a Uber right now, he's doing 90 in a school zone
Hey KM, I ate some magic mushrooms
Downed a fifth of vodka, my mind is blown
I took down your coffee mug I had up on my shelf
You know that song by the Divinyls, "I Touch Myself"
About some wench rubbing one out all fucking day
That's kinda how this is, you have been jerking me around
Has all that fame go to your head, do your feet still touch the ground
You could have rescued me from this fate, now it's too late
All I wanted was a lousy reply, I thought you were a decent guy
I love you KM, we coulda been together, think about that
You ruined it, I hope you can't sleep and dream about it
And when you wake up I hope your dirty mattress has shit on it
See KM, shut up bitch! I'm tryin' to talk!
Hey KM, that's my invisible girlfriend screamin' in the trunk
But don't worry, I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't a flame GOAT like you
Fuck, now the Uber driver is looking at me like I'm drunk
Well, gotta go, we are almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to post this shit out?
So many alt accounts, I'm wondering why
Is that a new member a girl or a guy?
Shit I really can't tell
But who gives a fuck
That new nic, it's going to suck
It's going to suck
Dear Stan, I meant to reply to you sooner but Fortnite is my crack
You said your girlfriend is invisible too, love that!
And here is a blank titty photo of my girlfriend Baye
Hope it lightens your day, just don't share it with anyone, OK
I'm sorry I didn't see your posts at Bastard factory, must have missed it
Don't think I did it intentionally, too many people are posting shit
But what is this crap you said about fapping all day
I just got done eating magic pussy, my face is covered in vaginal spray
Dam, my pretend 23 year old girlfriend makes me cum every day
I bet you were just clownin' dog, I hope you're not gay.
You got issues and not enough wank tissues, Stan.
I think you need some counseling, I wanna help you man
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of creeper talk make me not want to kissy meats each other
I really think you and your invisible girlfriend need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this post, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you have a forum meltdown, I think you will be fine
I'm glad I inspire you but Stan
Are you mad bro? Try to understand, I really want you as a fan
I don't want you to do some crazy shit
I just seen a guy on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude car jacked an uber and drove it off a bridge
He had his invisible girlfriend in the trunk, she was pregnant with their invisible kid
And in the car they found a podcast, but they didn't say who it was from
Come to think about, his name was, it was you
Damn!