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IRAN, BOMBED INTO THE STONE AGE, RESPONDS WITH FLAMING GOAT TECHNOLOGY
TEHRAN — After being bombed into the Stone Age for what the White House described as the third or possibly fourth decisive time, Iran reportedly unveiled its newest weapons platform Tuesday: a flaming goat carcass launched from a homemade wooden catapult toward a U.S. destroyer. Pentagon officials said the object briefly triggered a billion-dollar missile-defense system because radar operators could not immediately determine whether the airborne livestock was carrying explosives, biological agents, or simply “an unusually hostile attitude.”
Iranian state media hailed the launch as a major leap forward in postmodern warfare, noting that the catapult required no semiconductors, satellite guidance, or replacement parts from China. The goat reportedly traveled nearly 300 yards before breaking apart over the water, scattering sparks, hair, and what one defense analyst described as “an alarming amount of tactical feta.” Supreme Leader officials warned that additional attacks could follow using burning sheep, armored donkeys, and a trebuchet currently under construction behind a damaged fertilizer warehouse.
President Trump immediately declared the goat attack another American victory, raising his second-term total to 48 wars won. He explained that Iran had been reduced to medieval weapons exactly as promised, while also praising the destroyer for defeating “one of the most advanced goats ever sent against our country.” The Pentagon later confirmed that two interceptors had been fired at a combined cost of $14 million, successfully missing the goat but destroying a nearby cloud.
